My Dilemma

What’s up. It’s been a little over a week since I even thought to write a post on here. I’ve been really busy. Working, creating stuff, catching up with friends, sleeping in. I haven’t really had time to post much.

It’s been only about 6 months on the stuff, but I’m growing pretty tired of taking vyvanse every day. It definitely gets tiring to deal with amphetamine coursing through your system every hour.

Have you ever taken a stimulant? Ever been prescribed one? For whatever reason. ADD, ADHD, whatever. I mean, taken one for an extended period of time?

If you have, you’ll be able to relate to what I’m about to say.

Vyvanse, adderall, ritalin, you name it- prescription stimulants- may seem perfect when you take them for the first time. You’re up and at it, getting stuff done, feeling more awake and alert, and probably scoring higher on a test. Taking them for a day, a week, or a few weeks, they seem to work miracles. You might wonder why I’d even think to complain about them.

It’s something different though when you have to take it. Over time, your body gets used to it, it loses it’s “day 1” efficacy, and some of the negative effects start to kick in.

Vyvanse does the following for me: helps me feel awake, keeps me focused, makes me want to get things done, and helps me complete things/tasks.

Of those things, there are plenty of positive things. The whole part about being more productive is a definite reason to take it. I’m not prescribed it for that reason, though. I feel the need to tell people this when they ask why I take it. Well, I don’t wanna take anything. I like being sober, I like living my own life, outside from drug interference. But, I have to take it. I mean that.

I don’t know what went wrong a year ago or whatever, I don’t know why I all of a sudden got more and more tired, but for whatever reason, it just happened. I hope this never happens to you, because it’s extremely frustrating to deal with and literally explain constantly. It’d be different if I had a firm diagnosis, people would understand- but then again, I don’t wanna be diagnosed with anything. Safe to say, I have something in the realm of narcolepsy. It’s not full blown narcolepsy, I’m not gonna fall asleep while driving, but I’m gonna be about twice as tired as I should be. How do I know? Because, before this year, I never had these issues. Whatever, I’ve said this all a million times- point is, I don’t have a choice whether or not I swallow that capsule every day I wake up. Yeah, I could go off it- but I know what will happen, I’ll be sleepy and constantly fighting the urge to nap. Yes I’ve tried it.

The dilemma is that I’m not myself when I’m on vyvanse. I’m awkward, I’m only focused on work, I get shit done but I forget to enjoy stuff. The caveat to the productivity part of vyvanse is that if you aren’t productive, you feel shitty. You’re restless, irritable, and your day feels hollow. Social anxiety is magnified x10 on vyvanse. It doesn’t “make you nervous” so to say, but it makes you hyper aware. You focus so well that you focus on what everyone around you is thinking about you. The result is watching your every move, being overly self aware, and just being a robot socially. I’m too damn robotic and wanting to work. When on vyvanse, your first thought in response to someone will be What’s the the most logical response here? This makes me so fucking awkward, trying to just make conversation work as if it’s some task. It’s the way your mind works on vyvanse, and God forbid you notice the other person’s tone change. Then you focus on your own social rigidity, it’s a cycle, and thus boom- you’re awkward.

That’s my daily dilemma- do I wanna feel awake? Or would I rather be sleepy but feel more like myself? It’s annoying. I want both. I want to be able to have my confidence that I know I have, but I also want to be able to stay awake- and feel awake. That feeling you have after a 5 hour night of sleep in the morning- that’s what I’m talking about. That’s the “issue” I have- I have that feeling regardless of amount of sleep, and it doesn’t go away after a few hours of being awake.

Personally, I’m gonna pick the option of feeling awake. I guess I’ll just keep trying to get over my lack of personality whilst being on it. Man, those days when I’ve got nothing going on though, and I decide to skip it- those days are really just a reminder of what a different person this drug makes me. All of a sudden I’m making people laugh and I’m not worrying about what I’ve gotten done. Sure, I’m tired, but I’m myself. Fuck the social awkwardness, because I got over that shit 3 years ago. Well, I did, but this new crutch I have brings it back. That’s the dilemma.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 3:09 AM

Ego

Ego: A person’s sense of self esteem or self importance.

So, ego is a subjective thing, then. It’s a person’s own opinion on themselves, essentially. You probably already knew that, though, because the term ego is oft-used. “He has such a big ego” “That’s so egotistical”.

Acknowledge that everyone has an ego. Sort of weird to say, because we usually only associate an ego with a narcissistic type person; it’s a word that we usually use against people. You’re always told when your ego is showing, or maybe you notice that you have an eye for the self-obsessed. It’s a general rule that we all either follow or say we follow. That rule is that you’ve gotta keep that sense of self esteem in check: you can’t let it get too large, but you also must keep it above sea level, so to say.

It’s another one of those ‘fine lines’ that I notice. The other one I posted about was the fine line between caring what others think and becoming a people pleaser. Well, this line is at least thicker than that one- there is more ‘grey area’. But, who really determines where that grey area ends? Hint: no one.

It goes without saying that one person can’t determine how much you should value yourself. But, I notice issues with the whole thing. I’ve heard people tell me I need to ‘take a stand’ for myself, as if to say my ego was too low, yet I was completely content with how I was acting. On the flip side, I’ve gotten complaints from my guy friends for ‘posting a bunch of selfies on instagram’. Why complain? Well, it gives off the vibe that you think you’re all that, and boom– all of a sudden you could be labeled as egotistical. That’s the thing. You can’t avoid criticism in this department, no matter how humble or how full of pride you are. You’re gonna hear about it from someone at some point. 

My self evaluation has always been generally positive. What do you evaluate yourself on? What is the criteria to which you rate yourself?

What I’m personally talking about (when I say my “self evaluation”), is my sense of appearance, morality, and value to others. Three vague terms, but they all come to mind when I think of my ego.

I always have tried to keep my ego in check, as nearly everyone does. I think that for the most part, I’m successful. Back when I was younger, and through my early teen years, I never had to worry if I was getting too self-absorbed because I was focused on other things. Anxiety things. But, as of today, I don’t worry much about that, and I’ve returned to having more confidence. I really admire humble and selfless people, so I try to be like them. Often times, however, I fail. Whether it be because I post a picture trying to show off my face, or I ramble on about what I’ve done, or what I know, it all just comes back to a leak in my ego. It comes out every once in a while; but, like I said, everyone has an ego. And it can come out at any time. But, let me say this out front: I don’t ever believe I am better than another person. Not one. I might think I was good looking one day, or that I know about basketball or philosophy, but never does that lead me to thinking I’m above another person. Hence, the site motto.

Having a personal blog makes me confront my sense of personal importance often. It’s in the name of the job. So, I often think about this topic. What makes a person become egotistical? Why do some people have such low self esteem? Does anxiety rule out ego entirely?

So why does a person become egotistical? 

It’s a very complicated question, let me just go out any say that. Obviously. I think it stems from who they surround themselves with. In the end, it’s not you that keys yourself into the idea that “hey, I’m pretty important”. It is always other people. An example: Jimmy Butler is an NBA player for the Chicago Bulls. You may have heard his name before, as he is their star player nowadays. However, no one predicted he’d be this good- he was a second round pick, didn’t play much for his first two years in Chicago, and most of all, he is a rags-to-riches story. He was homeless for part of his growing up, and just being drafted was huge for him. He quickly became on of my favorite players: he was a hustler, he played hard, never got into any altercations or fights with other players, kept his mouth shut and let his game do the talking. Now? Well, he’s become a known quantity with trash talk the past year or so. He caused locker room disruption, spoke out against some of his teammates, and all round just does not give off that humble vibe that he once did. It would make sense, that one goes from zero to hero and it gets to their head. How does it get to their head? Well, more and more people tell Jimmy he’s worth top dollar, more and more he thinks about it, more and more he believes it. And, over time, he subconsciously tries to be that in real life. What other people think of you really does determine some of what you think about yourself.

How do you keep an ego in check? I don’t entirely know myself, as I constantly slip up and say something pretentious or get too far ahead of myself. But, I do try, because the last thing I wanna become is a ‘self proclaimed king’. No one likes a person who thinks they’re better than everyone else. And, I don’t like it either. I don’t wanna be seen that way, people don’t wanna see me that way, so I try constantly to keep my self value balanced. 

How, though? Well, personally, I practice the “do good and tell nobody” thing from time to time. If I do something I’m proud of, a favor or something like that, I try and bite my tongue. I don’t post on social media about how I gave a homeless man some money, how I helped a mouse in my backyard out from my cat, etc. It’s tempting to, because if you post about it you’re likely to receive support/likes/a cheap self esteem boost. But, practicing that gets easier and easier, and in the end, you’re developing integrity: the idea that you’d honestly do the same if no one was watching. Another thing I try and do is to not talk about myself so much. I do talk about myself at times, if I didn’t it’d be unhealthy. You’ve gotta care about yourself. However, I try and not to let myself drone on and on. No one likes a one sided conversation, and even though it’s more fun to blurb personal experiences, I think it’s important to sit back and listen as well. Finally, I never tell a person my raw thoughts on myself- good or bad. If I have a day where I think I look really good, I don’t ever state that. On the other hand, if I’m feeling like an idiot, I don’t spread that, as it only spreads negativity and can be a tactic to fish for compliments.

At the end of the day, I still fail at being humble from time to time. The ego is a complicated subject.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 4:55 PM

ADHD?

What is ADHD?

I know, it’s Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. But, what does that even encompass?

I’ve heard a lot of things about this disorder. I’ve heard things ranging from “it’s a personality type, not a disorder”, to “it’s a chemical imbalance of dopamine”, to even the brute “it doesn’t exist”. So, who is right?

Well, I guess scientifically speaking, there is a basis for ADHD to actually exist. It’s been shown in numerous studies that those who’ve been diagnosed with ADHD typically have lower dopamine levels than the average, and dopamine is that ‘reward chemical’ in our brains. Basically, when we do something good, we get a sense of reward– and that sense is caused by a rush of dopamine. So, naturally, if you’re deficient in dopamine, you feel less rewarded when you do something worthy of praise. Thus, you never feel satisfied, you keep doing more and more to feel accomplished- “you feel overly compelled to do things, as if driven by a motor”. Sound familiar? If not, that is like the #1 question on ADHD/ADD surveys that I’ve seen. Checking “yes” in that box- that, yes, you feel as if you’re overly compelled to do stuff- is an indicator that you might have this attention issue.

Then again, that is very vague. I’ve always had an appetite to create things, and I never thought hmmm, something must be wrong with me. I have the idea that everyone feels that way- I mean, don’t they? Well, I’d actually have to go out and ask everyone to find out. I can only see things through my own eyes, and maybe I’ve been wrong this whole time. But, even if that is abnormal, is it really a bad thing? 

I always felt that inner drive or motor was a positive thing. I couldn’t find a way to paint the energy I have to create things in a bad light. The more you do, the better, in simple terms. It keeps you busy, your mind occupied, and best of all, it ensures you aren’t wasting the gift of time.

That being said, always trying to do something new can be quite confusing. And, I don’t think I ever noticed to what degree that it could be confusing.

Over the past week, I’ve been off my vyvanse prescription for the first time since starting it in January. I can’t really take it whilst recovering from surgery- it’s unnecessary and I need to sleep a lot to recover. So, while being off it, I’ve noted a few things- 1) I really am a sleepy person 2) I’m much more ‘myself’ when I’m off it, and most importantly 3) I’m scatter brained. 

This is something that I have always noticed in myself- when I get excited to do something, I usually wander and think of yet another thing to do- get excited over that, and then conjure up another idea- until, I have a list of things I’m hyped up about, yet I end up doing none of them. It’s a hard thing to explain, but it’s definitely a focus thing. I lose focus and don’t complete things. I’ve always struggled with this. I get 70 percent done and move forward too fast and then bam- I never get it done. Vyvanse has really cured this. I have stuck with things since being on it- I now complete games from start to finish, get a to-do list done, make things happen and make them happen daily. The downside, is being less creative- I don’t allow my mind to brainstorm 50 different blueprints, but it’s for productivity’s sake.

All of that has prompted me to question this- do I actually have ADHD? 

Now, the reason I willingly take my ‘ADHD Medication’ is because it helps me with the most debilitating health issue I have, and that’s constantly being sleepy. It’s a side effect of stimulants, but in the meantime, I’m noticing just how better off I am since being on a focus enhancer. I have things I can point to that prove it- much improved grades, 3-4 video games that I finished (before vyvanse, I’d start a game and usually never finish it. Seriously), better maintenance of habits (cleaning my room, work ethic, etc), notes for video scripts that are organized, and the list goes on. I think about the things I struggled with before vyvanse, and it’s kind of a daunting list. Indecisiveness to the max- the main reason I’m at community college is because I couldn’t pick a college to go to. Not grades, not just because of money, but because I couldn’t narrow down and choose. Is that a problem? Looking at it now, from being past it, yes.

Everyone has those issues. Does that mean everyone has ADHD? I don’t know- but, I don’t think so. ADHD is more of a personality type, in the end. I know plenty of people content with spending a Sunday inside and relaxing. That has never been appealing to me, because my mind goes into a mode of being dissatisfied if I don’t do something. So, maybe I’m fixing a problem that I really do have.  

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 5:11 PM

I’m Not Smart

Just as I complained how I hadn’t wrote a post in over a week yesterday, here I am another week later. I’ve become a bad blogger, this is by far my worst patch so far. And yes, one post a week is still one more than none, and you may think my posts are nice, but I’m not gonna let this trend continue. You can expect more consistent posts from here on.

Now, to address that self deprecating title I assigned to this entry. I’m not upset at myself for any particular reason, but I’m starting to see the other dimensions of the word ‘smart’ that I haven’t been aware of.

‘Smart’ is a synonym of intelligence. I always think of good grades on tests, responsibility, seriousness and maturity, glasses, well-kept looks etc., when I think of ‘smart’.

But, in life, it’s really so much more than that. It’s reading between the lines, it’s withholding judgement for nothing you can visualize in the moment, it’s manufacturing things that your natural self isn’t inclined to, it’s being aware.

I say that I’m not smart because I make a lot of dumb decisions, like most people. But, a lot of the times, I do those things more than once. Then times. Then a month. And before you know it, I’ve become a victim of just being stupid. You see something you don’t wanna see, or you act a way you don’t intend on. So, you change that- or, at least you’re supposed to. The catchy phrase of insanity sounds like this: “doing something over and over again yet expecting different results”.

It was insanity when I decided to let myself stay up late until 3-4 am every night in freshman year and expect to wake up in the morning. Yes, I know this post is late- but I literally slept all today so this is justifiable. Got my wisdom teeth out and slept for quite some time before and after it. I’m not on pain meds, well at least not opiates, I’m just on ibuprofen. So, don’t discard my words tonight please- I’m sober. Not that I expect you discard them or anything like that.

Recently I’ve realized that to become wise, you need to make the wrong choice once or twice- and learn from it. It’s growth. The people that never see the change? Well, inevitably, they become a kind of dumb. I’m sorry if any of this is offending you, it’s really not supposed to. I watched Louis C.K. tonight and thought to myself “Man, this guy really just tells it like it is. No bullshit.” Albeit he’s a comedian and does much of that for his comedic style, but still. So I’m gonna say it here: it’s not smart to keep trying the same method or keep allowing the same thing to happen and expect things to just magically mend.

I’ve always realized that I’m at my most successful when I’m trying new things. I usually start learning the ways that failed, the paths of repetitive failure. That sort of thing, is kind of like an ‘out-of-body’ experience, hear me out- you know you’ve had a point in your life where you wouldn’t have changed unless your friend intrusively said ‘hey, fucking do something about it’. What I mean, is that you’re dumb if you don’t try something new, like it, and then not analyze that and stop doing the old thing. The old thing is what got you no where- it’s where you left off sad and, yes, no more wiser than you were.

So, why am dumb? Well, first of all, my gra– nah just kidding. In this sense, I’ve done this so many times. I let my emotion make the decision, and then I forget logic, and become this blend of dumb.

I used to think that by throwing effort into something, it’d fix it eventually-even when experience after experience, life would prove me wrong. My point here is, don’t do this. Use your life events as something you can actually learn from, in this way. Use it as this sort of ‘out of body experience’ and objectively look at your actions. I never knew how true the following statement was: “sometimes, you gotta hear it from someone else”. In that way, we all are a bit delusional, or we let ourselves be that way.  There are some helpful people out there, who offer unique advice and perspectives that you just inevitably looks over as a person. Hey, you’re reading my blog right now. Hey, that’s why I made the blog- to provide a new view on it. We all need a new view on some stuff, because we can all just be dumb at times.

With that being said, I’m not upset. I’m just simply writing at 3 am because I had a thought, a thought was worth more than just simply thinking about. A thought worthy of sharing. It’d be a disservice to my self-valued ideas if I just selfishly hoarded them to myself and my mind.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 3:08 AM

Let it Go

Wow, I haven’t written a post in 9 days. I think that’s the longest I’ve gone without updating my site since I created it in December of last year. I really could’ve written a few posts in the past week, but I just didn’t feel all too passionate about any of the ideas I thought of. I don’t ever wanna force creativity, it never goes well. I have an issue, though, because I would like to keep consistency and effort with my blog but I also want to abide by the ‘let the post come to you’ philosophy. As a result, it forces me to try and brainstorm more often to find new ideas continually.

One of the most mis-understood phrases (to me) is the 3 word phrase “Let it go”. It isn’t like I just can’t comprehend what the words mean or what the saying is getting at, but I think that it’s the way I interpret it that has always been a struggle for me.

It’s a simple concept, really. It is what you say when you’ve gotta move on with something or get over it. People may have uttered it to you when you’re caught up on an issue. Like if you were upset that someone made a rumor about you, or that they forgot to get you a gift for your birthday. These are valid reasons to be upset and hung up on something, sure, but eventually you’ve just gotta let it go, ya know? That’s the context, and hearing it like that, it’s fairly easy to comprehend.

But, in the actual words, if you dig deeper, what about the idea of letting it? I feel like I have rarely ever let something go. More often, I’ve taught myself to just forget about it. I’ve forced it to vanish. And, I always wondered why it always frustrated me so much when I have to let something go. It’s because, for a while, I hadn’t been actually doing that, I’d been masking it with even more effort. When you let something go, by definition, you’re supposed to just stop making effort or stop trying with it. It is what makes it a process of taking your ‘hands off the situation’, and letting it be. You can’t just keep trying in any way, otherwise it isn’t truly, well, letting it go.

I may have over-explained there, but this goes even deeper than that for me. I’ve always had an issue with ‘not being in control’. It’s this concept of autonomy, to me. Everyone wants to be in the driver seat of their life- they want to control things. You wouldn’t wanna be told that you’re nothing but a leaf in the wind, because it might depress you. Or, it might not. But for me, the most frustrating thing is to watch something happen around you and not have any hand in it. So, thus explains my lifelong desire to try and be completely autonomous over my life.

I’ve been told by many people that I ‘do too much’ or ‘try too hard’. Fair enough, I wouldn’t dispute that. I’ve heard the term ‘you can’t control everything’. Yes, I also believe in that. I know it’s true. Sometimes, things happen and you aren’t able to impact their outcome, or change the course of them.

Even hearing that, though, and understanding that I truly don’t hold all of the influence over even my own life, I still struggle for control. And, I usually feel satisfied at the end of the day with this struggle. How? Well, I’ve always just changed my view on things and the perspective in order to match up with what I’d like to believe. If something does happen that I didn’t have a hand in, I just control how I feel about it. That way, I reaffirm my subconscious desire to have influence over all of my life- yet, I accept that it’s not possible. I don’t know if that made clear sense to you, but I tried explaining the science behind why I have trouble with that phrase- let it go.

So, recently, over the past year or two, I think I’ve bettered my efforts of letting go. I’ve began to not ‘forget about things’ but to just let them go in their own direction. It’s been quite a trying task for me to accept and implement, because it does go against my natural inclination to make an effort.

But, on the other hand, it actually leaves me way less stressed out. I do my part, do what I can, and let the rest just unfold on itself. Sometimes, it has unfolded into something desirable, and other times, it has withered away and I just have to watch. That’s better that way, though, because new things will always present themselves, and I don’t give myself that extra worry of ‘how can I fix this?‘.

I mainly have to think about all of this when it comes to girls. Sometimes you make an effort towards a relationship, and it doesn’t work out. For me, this has been the story of my life since 10th grade. There are a lot of reasons why I haven’t dated much; from being too anxious, having low self esteem, wanting to be independent, not knowing what I want, being way too picky, going after the wrong ones- but one of the biggest reasons, at least recently, is just because it didn’t work out. The last 4 or 5 girls that I have wanted to date and made effort to date just didn’t work out for one reason or another. What I would have done, just a few years ago, would be to try and ‘force the issue’ or to dwell on it. I’d convince myself I was moving on, when in reality I was doing anything but that. As soon as I stopped trying to ‘move things all by myself’, aka actually letting them go, I realized that it offends me way less. I think about it way less, I don’t worry.

And, while there is always a part of me that wants to fix things, interfere, or change the course, there is now a part of me that knows that’s the thing to do. Sometimes, just let it go, and move on. That’s what I’ve got to say.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 6:23 PM

Self-Awareness Paradox

As a human being, it’s natural and predetermined that we are to care what those around us do or say. After all, and you may have heard this from someone else or in a Bio class, humans are social animals. Much like other animals, we rely and depend on a degree of socialization. Society wouldn’t be able to move forward and progress if we all just ignored each other and abided by “every man for himself”.

So, are introverts some kind of evolutionary step behind? Well, no, people are much more complex than general statements. But, the quality of communication is something that, at at least some point, a necessity. You can’t turn a blind eye to everyone else- not forever.

Then why do so many people tell you to not give a fuck what others think of you? I’m even guilty of trying to follow this advice. It’s been so actively pushed by so many people that it’d be hard to ignore it if you tried. Plus, you might find that not caring is the best method to avoid inner conflict.

It is another paradox. The paradox that we hear we ‘shouldn’t care what others think, yet it’s literally in our DNA to be wired to listen to the opinions of others-not only on ourselves, but on lots of topics. It’s this balance that really has always confused me.

What I have concluded, is that you really have to walk a fine line. That fine line is the line between being intelligent socially and becoming way too self aware

The root of all social anxiety, as I believe it, boils down to self awareness. I talked about this a few posts ago, but I didn’t go super in-depth. The concept of ‘being aware of yourself’ is another biological trait that we are lucky to have- as we know it, not all animals or creatures even recognize that they exist. It’s a good thing, but it also can work against us. Since we all can think at a powerful level, inversely our minds can work against us. I fully believe the mind is as powerful a thing that exists in the world. I mean, would you argue with me? A computer only exists because some minds conjured it up. Everything that we’ve created is a result of our mind. So, with that being said, is it at all surprising that this powerhouse in our head can actually back fire?

In this instance, it can- if you let it.  I think I’ve always had a heightened sense of self awareness. I don’t mean that in a good way, to say that I think more than you, but that I waste thoughts on myself, my appearance, and what others might be thinking of me. That last one is the most frustrating to say- I waste mental space on what others might be thinking of me. I don’t know why I do it- but in social settings, I always find myself coming across thoughts like “Am I coming off as rude to her?” or “They look upset, was it because of my tone?” or even “Why is everyone so silent? Am I giving off the wrong vibe?” Those thoughts are useless. They don’t really have a purpose, except to make me more anxious. They obviously aren’t intending on doing so, rather they are to smoothen edges and ensure I’m ‘socializing properly’. That’s what causes one to not be themselves, I believe- they over think. You start to wonder if people will perceive you differently because of what you might say. You wanna give off the right impression, so you hold off on making that joke. Or, you get nervous and uncomfortable because you may have caused someone to be upset.

Well, that is where the whole “give no fucks” advocates get their ideas from. It’s frustrating to over compensate for others, and effectively feel like you aren’t allowing yourself to be who you are. It is so frustrating that you can find countless articles online on why you should be more selfish in order to reduce self awareness. Or, that you should purposely do something out of the ordinary to de-sensitize yourself from caring about what others think. It’s a lot of science and research that really isn’t entirely true. If there is one thing that these articles taught me, is that everyone has a different perspective. In a way, I’d say to just ignore them.

On the other hand, like I was mentioning earlier, you are wired to care about other’s opinions of you. And, consequently, they are also programmed to consider your view on them. So, in that way, never feel guilty for reverting to a thought process that is natural. Anyone who claims to have never given a fuck about what a friend did or said about them, is just flat out not telling the truth. Some people have worked on it, some people are naturally less self aware, and yes, there are people out there that really don’t allow themselves to care what you think about them. But, at the root of it all, relax- you’re human.

That being said, my final take on this paradox is that you just have to walk that fine line. Don’t try and be a selfish lone wolf- it won’t work. But, don’t allow yourself to consciously think so much about what another may think of you. Just know that there is a paradox, and by trying to never care about another person’s perspective, you are inherently fighting biology. You can’t beat biology, none of us can. However, your brain is a powerful thing, and the next time you’re giving a public speech, try to refocus on your content and not what the girl at the furthest left desk might be thinking about you.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 5:08 PM

Appreciation

Every once in a while I’ll have a dream that kinda teaches me something. It’s sort of weird that it’s only “every once in a while”. After all, the most accepted theory as to why we dream goes back to animals learning through it. It’s the idea that your brain practices real life scenarios at night so that when you’re awake, you’re more prepared if it were to actually happen. So, in a way, dreams could be a defense mechanism, but how come the majority of the ones I have are either a) hard to make sense of or b) just don’t have a real purpose? I don’t know. It’s just a thought.

Anyways, last night I had two dreams that I could remember, but the one that kinda stuck with me was a super sad one. I have no idea why I dreamt it, but in my dream my Mom died. Yeah, just about as depressing as a dream can get. I usually don’t have really sad dreams like this, but what I do routinely notice in my dreams is the realistic-ness of them. You know how a dream can be so vivid and based in reality that you even tell yourself during the dream that it’s not a dream? Well, sometimes that’s cool, as it can become lucid dreaming, but other times it’s scary. This was one of those; when I woke up I had a huge sigh of relief. That, no, my Mom didn’t actually die of a heart issue on a hiking trip. Yep. Told you it was sad as fuck.

But, it kinda reminded me that I need to start appreciating stuff more often. Gratitude. I think that lately I’ve just overlooked a lot of what’s been going on in my life, and I know that everyone does it from time to time.

I have a great family, I have some really good friends that I honestly don’t deserve, and I’ve a job I enjoy. My pets are all awesome, and I can’t forget all of that.

Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in every day life that you begin to sort of expect certain things. You expect to wake up, expect to make money, expect to do stuff next Tuesday, but really it’s nothing to expect. It’s a tired phrase, but really: nothing is guaranteed. I need to make an earnest attempt to reflect on the stuff I’ve got going for me. At least, more than I’ve done lately.

I’ve been active lately, or at least more so than I was the week before. Practicing guitar, filming for my documentary (finally), doing chores that have been overdue, working my usual hours, and hanging out with people. I’m a bit proud of it all, to tell you the truth. I thrive on being productive- if I’m not, I’m not feeling my best. I like that I have that mindset. Amidst doing stuff, however, the things or people that make ‘doing what you do’ possible go under the radar.

For example, I am a big fan of the Boston Celtics. I have been since I was about 11 years old. And, one of the things I always do is I watch all of their games with my Mom. Yes, my Dad watches them with us, occasionally, but it’s really my Mom and I’s thing. We have been doing that for years upon years- we almost never miss a game. She always makes more comments on the game than I do, because I am more of a quiet observer, and I don’t think I realize just how much I’ll miss those “Come on Thomas make your free throws! I could have made that” blurts that she does on a nightly basis.

I’ll move out, soon, and we will likely text about the games a lot or FaceTime or whatever, but it’s those little things that add up. The texts from my friends asking if I’m free- I don’t really do anything to deserve that effort. I usually forget to text back on time, I’m pretty unreliable in general, yet I still have people that bother to ask. How do I justify getting all of this support, luck, and the similar? Well, I don’t- but it helps to acknowledge it. That at least somewhat makes you more deserving, I believe. Don’t forget to be grateful, like I do. You might do it, too, but as long as you make an effort to try and appreciate stuff every once in a while, you’ll be doing it right.

Now, a little bit of practice:

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 4:27 PM