Managing Perspectives

“I’m a million different people from one day to the next”

It’s a lyric from a song that we’ve probably all heard before, Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve.

Well, he wasn’t being literal in the lyric. Obviously. He was, however, being somewhat realistic. At least from my perspective, we are all different people depending on who’s listening. To some extent. Or, maybe not to any extent. I’ll speak for myself.

Well, I definitely have different faces for different crowds. It’s always been that way, and it centers around how I see them react to how I act. There are stages in any relationship- any friendship, partnership, etc. That first stage, when you’re getting acquainted with someone, those first impressions- for me, that’s a template I work on. I have that filed into the back of my head, and I edit it continuously. Hey I’m Luca, how are you doing? I like art, basketball, favorite genre is alt-rock. Now, obviously I don’t just spit out that sentence when I meet someone. But, that version of me that’s introducing himself, is universal. Generally speaking, that’s probably the closest thing to who I am. Other friends that I have, see other ‘phases’ of me if that makes sense.

I cuss around my best friend. I watch my mouth around my friend who is religious. I flirt with the single girl who I’m getting into. I refuse to be controversial around my serious friend. It’s that kind of thing; I shift my mold based on how people expect me to be, or how it would best suit the relationship. It is the concept of being a ‘million different people’- you wouldn’t say those cringe jokes you make with your best friend at 3 am with your date. You might later, but for now, you want her to get comfortable, and you assume you being too off the wall would deter her. So, you change your face to save face. Don’t know how clever that was because it only makes half sense, but that’s the point I’m trying to make.

There are a lot of frustrations with this, clearly. I hate when I’m hanging out with a friend and they’re like I didn’t know you could be serious! Because, my relationship with that person was casual- oh yeah, I’m forgetting that duh, of course they think I’m constantly joking- because, around them, I am.

Not everyone sees you for even half of your day. Even the person you live with, be it your family, wife, husband, bff- they don’t see you for 50 percent of your day. Unless they were just attached to you at the hip, they’re not gonna know you like you know you. And, especially for those friends you see off and on, they may think you’re a totally different person than you really are.

That last sentence frustrates me. I could tell you with confidence that I’ve turned a lot of people off via SOCIAL MEDIA because of how I accidentally portray myself on it. I make awkward humor, self deprecation, and then before you know it people have an idea of who you are before even getting a coffee with you. I know for a fact it’s ruined chances at dating someone before- a girl once texted me verbatim “you’re not my type at all ahahha” after I jokingly said “I’m gonna have to drown in my tears, then” when she rejected my coffee date invitation. Look, I was 16, and it was a joke. Intended to make her laugh, no matter how cringe-inducing it was. She’d never seen me in person. We’d never hung out. We’d been texting a week (maybe two?), and she’s already hitting me with that “you’re not my type”- WHAT? That awful phrase “you don’t know me” is actually relevant here- she didn’t know me. She didn’t even know the surface of me; that ‘template’ I was referring to when I’m getting acquainted with someone. She didn’t even give me the chance to show her that, because she gathered from my retweets and Facebook posts that I was just not her type. Fair enough, I can’t get upset about that. I mean, I can, and I was, but I’m not really allowed to voice that. It’s her right to rule me out based on her pre-conceived notions. For fucks sake though, really? Give me a chance. When I’m up at 2 am still listening to your personal problems and your current boyfriend is ignoring you for 12 +hours, I’ll just say I told you so. Oh wait, it won’t get to that, because that was 3-4 years ago and you didn’t give me my chance.

That’s not the only time that’s happened. And, it has happened on wider scales too. I’ve had periods where no one would invited me to a party based on who was there. Okay? Well, the guys who did invite me kept inviting me because I made them laugh. They’d give me a chance and I was able to repay them by making it more fun. And, don’t act like it’s never happened to you. You know some people won’t hit you up because they think they know who you are. Sometimes it’s fair and just; don’t ask me to get high and watch the big bang theory with you, because we both know I don’t do those things often. In fact, I never watch the big bang theory. It’s not funny to me. We both know I’m not the guy for that. But, the only reason that you know is because you got to know me.  And, you saw me through the lens I showed you.

Everyone has a different angle for a different situation. My crude humor turns into awkward kindness at family gatherings. It’s what I wanna do, to make a joke about something preposterous, but because I know my aunt wouldn’t laugh, I bite my tongue. It’s a thing we do as people to make conversations and relationships as fluid as possible. It’s a good thing, in general. To try and compensate for not only yourself, but the other person you’re interacting with.

But man, the whole “overthinking” part of anxiety really nails me here. If I let myself think into this concept too long, I’ll start uncovering some tough truths. Maybe the reason this person doesn’t wanna hangout with me is because they think I’m always making fun of life and never able to be mature. Maybe this person thinks I’m too serious for their taste because I thought it’s what they wanted me to be like. It’s not being a people pleaser when you concede the fact that you have to monitor what you say based on how the other person would take it, to a certain extent. You are just trying to keep the peace, after all.

According to a classmate in 12th grade economics, I’m quiet and not much else. It’s all they’ve ever seen from me. But, according to the 6 or 7 different people I’ve seen in the past week, I can actually talk. According to my Mom, I’m a serious, diligent worker. However, Kevin sees me as a sailor mouthed comedian. I could pile up these comparisons for days. Is it being an enigma? No, it’s being human. At least, that’s how I see it.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 3:32 AM

Self Control

The elusive virtue.

Well, maybe not for you, but for me definitely. I have a weak sense of self control, I really do. And I’m not proud of it, obviously. But, it is definitely one of my weaknesses.

Self control is just the ability to ‘say no’ to certain things, or to hold back from doing something, in an effort to be tter a situation. In everyday life, it manifests itself in eating habits, what you say, what you spend money on, those types of things. It’s essentially the power to hold back on something.

The religious theme of “resisting temptation” is exactly what the concept of self control is about. Could you say no, would you say no, or did you say no? If you had the choice and did, then that’s a point in the self control category.

The past few years, I haven’t scored a whole lot of self control points. I’ve become more and more lenient on ‘letting things slide’. It is what happens when you become less disciplined, in essence.

Why does a person become less disciplined? Is it because they don’t care anymore, because they’re lazy, or did they just get tired of doing it? I don’t really know. One of the things that would always prevent me personally from doing something dumb was anxiety- the fear of what could happen, or the negative thinking that correlates with higher anxiety can be a self control moderator in itself. But, that’s not really you- anxiety can’t be the thing that holds you back. If it is, then is it really you that has good self control, or is it just your mental anxiety? To me, I never wanted to credit anxiety with anything. And, now that I’m a few years older, I don’t have as much anxiety as I used to (thankfully)- so, consequently, I worry less. Worrying less may have led to further lenience on having a discipline of self control. The more confident you are, the more choices you can make, It’s true- it opens doors when you leave anxiety in the rearview.

Again though, I’m not sure if that’s what explains it. I’ve always had issues with saying no to things that I want, I’ll just say that I used to be better at it. Nowadays, I think I generally make better diet decisions, but that’s because I feel like I have to- I don’t make an earnest effort to workout anymore. I’ve got a bad habit about going back to old habits without breaking them. That’s a form of low self control. Having the courage to say “I shouldn’t say this to this person” or “I’m better off leaving this alone” is something I consistently find myself failing at, it’s frustrating.

I swear this blog isn’t going to become a 24/7 negative post-fest. I just realized it must seem that way. The few posts I have published in the past few months have all had some kind of negative tone it seems. There are plenty positive posts to come!

I shouldn’t just talk about my self control issue, I’ve got to work on it. It’s a virtue that really everyone should work towards. Think about how many times that lack of self control has gotten you or someone you know into trouble. Or how many times it caused you to slip up or be setback. It’s the culprit of a lot of that, isn’t it? Well, at least it is for me.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 12:30 AM

My Dilemma

What’s up. It’s been a little over a week since I even thought to write a post on here. I’ve been really busy. Working, creating stuff, catching up with friends, sleeping in. I haven’t really had time to post much.

It’s been only about 6 months on the stuff, but I’m growing pretty tired of taking vyvanse every day. It definitely gets tiring to deal with amphetamine coursing through your system every hour.

Have you ever taken a stimulant? Ever been prescribed one? For whatever reason. ADD, ADHD, whatever. I mean, taken one for an extended period of time?

If you have, you’ll be able to relate to what I’m about to say.

Vyvanse, adderall, ritalin, you name it- prescription stimulants- may seem perfect when you take them for the first time. You’re up and at it, getting stuff done, feeling more awake and alert, and probably scoring higher on a test. Taking them for a day, a week, or a few weeks, they seem to work miracles. You might wonder why I’d even think to complain about them.

It’s something different though when you have to take it. Over time, your body gets used to it, it loses it’s “day 1” efficacy, and some of the negative effects start to kick in.

Vyvanse does the following for me: helps me feel awake, keeps me focused, makes me want to get things done, and helps me complete things/tasks.

Of those things, there are plenty of positive things. The whole part about being more productive is a definite reason to take it. I’m not prescribed it for that reason, though. I feel the need to tell people this when they ask why I take it. Well, I don’t wanna take anything. I like being sober, I like living my own life, outside from drug interference. But, I have to take it. I mean that.

I don’t know what went wrong a year ago or whatever, I don’t know why I all of a sudden got more and more tired, but for whatever reason, it just happened. I hope this never happens to you, because it’s extremely frustrating to deal with and literally explain constantly. It’d be different if I had a firm diagnosis, people would understand- but then again, I don’t wanna be diagnosed with anything. Safe to say, I have something in the realm of narcolepsy. It’s not full blown narcolepsy, I’m not gonna fall asleep while driving, but I’m gonna be about twice as tired as I should be. How do I know? Because, before this year, I never had these issues. Whatever, I’ve said this all a million times- point is, I don’t have a choice whether or not I swallow that capsule every day I wake up. Yeah, I could go off it- but I know what will happen, I’ll be sleepy and constantly fighting the urge to nap. Yes I’ve tried it.

The dilemma is that I’m not myself when I’m on vyvanse. I’m awkward, I’m only focused on work, I get shit done but I forget to enjoy stuff. The caveat to the productivity part of vyvanse is that if you aren’t productive, you feel shitty. You’re restless, irritable, and your day feels hollow. Social anxiety is magnified x10 on vyvanse. It doesn’t “make you nervous” so to say, but it makes you hyper aware. You focus so well that you focus on what everyone around you is thinking about you. The result is watching your every move, being overly self aware, and just being a robot socially. I’m too damn robotic and wanting to work. When on vyvanse, your first thought in response to someone will be What’s the the most logical response here? This makes me so fucking awkward, trying to just make conversation work as if it’s some task. It’s the way your mind works on vyvanse, and God forbid you notice the other person’s tone change. Then you focus on your own social rigidity, it’s a cycle, and thus boom- you’re awkward.

That’s my daily dilemma- do I wanna feel awake? Or would I rather be sleepy but feel more like myself? It’s annoying. I want both. I want to be able to have my confidence that I know I have, but I also want to be able to stay awake- and feel awake. That feeling you have after a 5 hour night of sleep in the morning- that’s what I’m talking about. That’s the “issue” I have- I have that feeling regardless of amount of sleep, and it doesn’t go away after a few hours of being awake.

Personally, I’m gonna pick the option of feeling awake. I guess I’ll just keep trying to get over my lack of personality whilst being on it. Man, those days when I’ve got nothing going on though, and I decide to skip it- those days are really just a reminder of what a different person this drug makes me. All of a sudden I’m making people laugh and I’m not worrying about what I’ve gotten done. Sure, I’m tired, but I’m myself. Fuck the social awkwardness, because I got over that shit 3 years ago. Well, I did, but this new crutch I have brings it back. That’s the dilemma.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 3:09 AM

Ego

Ego: A person’s sense of self esteem or self importance.

So, ego is a subjective thing, then. It’s a person’s own opinion on themselves, essentially. You probably already knew that, though, because the term ego is oft-used. “He has such a big ego” “That’s so egotistical”.

Acknowledge that everyone has an ego. Sort of weird to say, because we usually only associate an ego with a narcissistic type person; it’s a word that we usually use against people. You’re always told when your ego is showing, or maybe you notice that you have an eye for the self-obsessed. It’s a general rule that we all either follow or say we follow. That rule is that you’ve gotta keep that sense of self esteem in check: you can’t let it get too large, but you also must keep it above sea level, so to say.

It’s another one of those ‘fine lines’ that I notice. The other one I posted about was the fine line between caring what others think and becoming a people pleaser. Well, this line is at least thicker than that one- there is more ‘grey area’. But, who really determines where that grey area ends? Hint: no one.

It goes without saying that one person can’t determine how much you should value yourself. But, I notice issues with the whole thing. I’ve heard people tell me I need to ‘take a stand’ for myself, as if to say my ego was too low, yet I was completely content with how I was acting. On the flip side, I’ve gotten complaints from my guy friends for ‘posting a bunch of selfies on instagram’. Why complain? Well, it gives off the vibe that you think you’re all that, and boom– all of a sudden you could be labeled as egotistical. That’s the thing. You can’t avoid criticism in this department, no matter how humble or how full of pride you are. You’re gonna hear about it from someone at some point. 

My self evaluation has always been generally positive. What do you evaluate yourself on? What is the criteria to which you rate yourself?

What I’m personally talking about (when I say my “self evaluation”), is my sense of appearance, morality, and value to others. Three vague terms, but they all come to mind when I think of my ego.

I always have tried to keep my ego in check, as nearly everyone does. I think that for the most part, I’m successful. Back when I was younger, and through my early teen years, I never had to worry if I was getting too self-absorbed because I was focused on other things. Anxiety things. But, as of today, I don’t worry much about that, and I’ve returned to having more confidence. I really admire humble and selfless people, so I try to be like them. Often times, however, I fail. Whether it be because I post a picture trying to show off my face, or I ramble on about what I’ve done, or what I know, it all just comes back to a leak in my ego. It comes out every once in a while; but, like I said, everyone has an ego. And it can come out at any time. But, let me say this out front: I don’t ever believe I am better than another person. Not one. I might think I was good looking one day, or that I know about basketball or philosophy, but never does that lead me to thinking I’m above another person. Hence, the site motto.

Having a personal blog makes me confront my sense of personal importance often. It’s in the name of the job. So, I often think about this topic. What makes a person become egotistical? Why do some people have such low self esteem? Does anxiety rule out ego entirely?

So why does a person become egotistical? 

It’s a very complicated question, let me just go out any say that. Obviously. I think it stems from who they surround themselves with. In the end, it’s not you that keys yourself into the idea that “hey, I’m pretty important”. It is always other people. An example: Jimmy Butler is an NBA player for the Chicago Bulls. You may have heard his name before, as he is their star player nowadays. However, no one predicted he’d be this good- he was a second round pick, didn’t play much for his first two years in Chicago, and most of all, he is a rags-to-riches story. He was homeless for part of his growing up, and just being drafted was huge for him. He quickly became on of my favorite players: he was a hustler, he played hard, never got into any altercations or fights with other players, kept his mouth shut and let his game do the talking. Now? Well, he’s become a known quantity with trash talk the past year or so. He caused locker room disruption, spoke out against some of his teammates, and all round just does not give off that humble vibe that he once did. It would make sense, that one goes from zero to hero and it gets to their head. How does it get to their head? Well, more and more people tell Jimmy he’s worth top dollar, more and more he thinks about it, more and more he believes it. And, over time, he subconsciously tries to be that in real life. What other people think of you really does determine some of what you think about yourself.

How do you keep an ego in check? I don’t entirely know myself, as I constantly slip up and say something pretentious or get too far ahead of myself. But, I do try, because the last thing I wanna become is a ‘self proclaimed king’. No one likes a person who thinks they’re better than everyone else. And, I don’t like it either. I don’t wanna be seen that way, people don’t wanna see me that way, so I try constantly to keep my self value balanced. 

How, though? Well, personally, I practice the “do good and tell nobody” thing from time to time. If I do something I’m proud of, a favor or something like that, I try and bite my tongue. I don’t post on social media about how I gave a homeless man some money, how I helped a mouse in my backyard out from my cat, etc. It’s tempting to, because if you post about it you’re likely to receive support/likes/a cheap self esteem boost. But, practicing that gets easier and easier, and in the end, you’re developing integrity: the idea that you’d honestly do the same if no one was watching. Another thing I try and do is to not talk about myself so much. I do talk about myself at times, if I didn’t it’d be unhealthy. You’ve gotta care about yourself. However, I try and not to let myself drone on and on. No one likes a one sided conversation, and even though it’s more fun to blurb personal experiences, I think it’s important to sit back and listen as well. Finally, I never tell a person my raw thoughts on myself- good or bad. If I have a day where I think I look really good, I don’t ever state that. On the other hand, if I’m feeling like an idiot, I don’t spread that, as it only spreads negativity and can be a tactic to fish for compliments.

At the end of the day, I still fail at being humble from time to time. The ego is a complicated subject.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 4:55 PM

ADHD?

What is ADHD?

I know, it’s Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. But, what does that even encompass?

I’ve heard a lot of things about this disorder. I’ve heard things ranging from “it’s a personality type, not a disorder”, to “it’s a chemical imbalance of dopamine”, to even the brute “it doesn’t exist”. So, who is right?

Well, I guess scientifically speaking, there is a basis for ADHD to actually exist. It’s been shown in numerous studies that those who’ve been diagnosed with ADHD typically have lower dopamine levels than the average, and dopamine is that ‘reward chemical’ in our brains. Basically, when we do something good, we get a sense of reward– and that sense is caused by a rush of dopamine. So, naturally, if you’re deficient in dopamine, you feel less rewarded when you do something worthy of praise. Thus, you never feel satisfied, you keep doing more and more to feel accomplished- “you feel overly compelled to do things, as if driven by a motor”. Sound familiar? If not, that is like the #1 question on ADHD/ADD surveys that I’ve seen. Checking “yes” in that box- that, yes, you feel as if you’re overly compelled to do stuff- is an indicator that you might have this attention issue.

Then again, that is very vague. I’ve always had an appetite to create things, and I never thought hmmm, something must be wrong with me. I have the idea that everyone feels that way- I mean, don’t they? Well, I’d actually have to go out and ask everyone to find out. I can only see things through my own eyes, and maybe I’ve been wrong this whole time. But, even if that is abnormal, is it really a bad thing? 

I always felt that inner drive or motor was a positive thing. I couldn’t find a way to paint the energy I have to create things in a bad light. The more you do, the better, in simple terms. It keeps you busy, your mind occupied, and best of all, it ensures you aren’t wasting the gift of time.

That being said, always trying to do something new can be quite confusing. And, I don’t think I ever noticed to what degree that it could be confusing.

Over the past week, I’ve been off my vyvanse prescription for the first time since starting it in January. I can’t really take it whilst recovering from surgery- it’s unnecessary and I need to sleep a lot to recover. So, while being off it, I’ve noted a few things- 1) I really am a sleepy person 2) I’m much more ‘myself’ when I’m off it, and most importantly 3) I’m scatter brained. 

This is something that I have always noticed in myself- when I get excited to do something, I usually wander and think of yet another thing to do- get excited over that, and then conjure up another idea- until, I have a list of things I’m hyped up about, yet I end up doing none of them. It’s a hard thing to explain, but it’s definitely a focus thing. I lose focus and don’t complete things. I’ve always struggled with this. I get 70 percent done and move forward too fast and then bam- I never get it done. Vyvanse has really cured this. I have stuck with things since being on it- I now complete games from start to finish, get a to-do list done, make things happen and make them happen daily. The downside, is being less creative- I don’t allow my mind to brainstorm 50 different blueprints, but it’s for productivity’s sake.

All of that has prompted me to question this- do I actually have ADHD? 

Now, the reason I willingly take my ‘ADHD Medication’ is because it helps me with the most debilitating health issue I have, and that’s constantly being sleepy. It’s a side effect of stimulants, but in the meantime, I’m noticing just how better off I am since being on a focus enhancer. I have things I can point to that prove it- much improved grades, 3-4 video games that I finished (before vyvanse, I’d start a game and usually never finish it. Seriously), better maintenance of habits (cleaning my room, work ethic, etc), notes for video scripts that are organized, and the list goes on. I think about the things I struggled with before vyvanse, and it’s kind of a daunting list. Indecisiveness to the max- the main reason I’m at community college is because I couldn’t pick a college to go to. Not grades, not just because of money, but because I couldn’t narrow down and choose. Is that a problem? Looking at it now, from being past it, yes.

Everyone has those issues. Does that mean everyone has ADHD? I don’t know- but, I don’t think so. ADHD is more of a personality type, in the end. I know plenty of people content with spending a Sunday inside and relaxing. That has never been appealing to me, because my mind goes into a mode of being dissatisfied if I don’t do something. So, maybe I’m fixing a problem that I really do have.  

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 5:11 PM

I’m Not Smart

Just as I complained how I hadn’t wrote a post in over a week yesterday, here I am another week later. I’ve become a bad blogger, this is by far my worst patch so far. And yes, one post a week is still one more than none, and you may think my posts are nice, but I’m not gonna let this trend continue. You can expect more consistent posts from here on.

Now, to address that self deprecating title I assigned to this entry. I’m not upset at myself for any particular reason, but I’m starting to see the other dimensions of the word ‘smart’ that I haven’t been aware of.

‘Smart’ is a synonym of intelligence. I always think of good grades on tests, responsibility, seriousness and maturity, glasses, well-kept looks etc., when I think of ‘smart’.

But, in life, it’s really so much more than that. It’s reading between the lines, it’s withholding judgement for nothing you can visualize in the moment, it’s manufacturing things that your natural self isn’t inclined to, it’s being aware.

I say that I’m not smart because I make a lot of dumb decisions, like most people. But, a lot of the times, I do those things more than once. Then times. Then a month. And before you know it, I’ve become a victim of just being stupid. You see something you don’t wanna see, or you act a way you don’t intend on. So, you change that- or, at least you’re supposed to. The catchy phrase of insanity sounds like this: “doing something over and over again yet expecting different results”.

It was insanity when I decided to let myself stay up late until 3-4 am every night in freshman year and expect to wake up in the morning. Yes, I know this post is late- but I literally slept all today so this is justifiable. Got my wisdom teeth out and slept for quite some time before and after it. I’m not on pain meds, well at least not opiates, I’m just on ibuprofen. So, don’t discard my words tonight please- I’m sober. Not that I expect you discard them or anything like that.

Recently I’ve realized that to become wise, you need to make the wrong choice once or twice- and learn from it. It’s growth. The people that never see the change? Well, inevitably, they become a kind of dumb. I’m sorry if any of this is offending you, it’s really not supposed to. I watched Louis C.K. tonight and thought to myself “Man, this guy really just tells it like it is. No bullshit.” Albeit he’s a comedian and does much of that for his comedic style, but still. So I’m gonna say it here: it’s not smart to keep trying the same method or keep allowing the same thing to happen and expect things to just magically mend.

I’ve always realized that I’m at my most successful when I’m trying new things. I usually start learning the ways that failed, the paths of repetitive failure. That sort of thing, is kind of like an ‘out-of-body’ experience, hear me out- you know you’ve had a point in your life where you wouldn’t have changed unless your friend intrusively said ‘hey, fucking do something about it’. What I mean, is that you’re dumb if you don’t try something new, like it, and then not analyze that and stop doing the old thing. The old thing is what got you no where- it’s where you left off sad and, yes, no more wiser than you were.

So, why am dumb? Well, first of all, my gra– nah just kidding. In this sense, I’ve done this so many times. I let my emotion make the decision, and then I forget logic, and become this blend of dumb.

I used to think that by throwing effort into something, it’d fix it eventually-even when experience after experience, life would prove me wrong. My point here is, don’t do this. Use your life events as something you can actually learn from, in this way. Use it as this sort of ‘out of body experience’ and objectively look at your actions. I never knew how true the following statement was: “sometimes, you gotta hear it from someone else”. In that way, we all are a bit delusional, or we let ourselves be that way.  There are some helpful people out there, who offer unique advice and perspectives that you just inevitably looks over as a person. Hey, you’re reading my blog right now. Hey, that’s why I made the blog- to provide a new view on it. We all need a new view on some stuff, because we can all just be dumb at times.

With that being said, I’m not upset. I’m just simply writing at 3 am because I had a thought, a thought was worth more than just simply thinking about. A thought worthy of sharing. It’d be a disservice to my self-valued ideas if I just selfishly hoarded them to myself and my mind.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 3:08 AM

Let it Go

Wow, I haven’t written a post in 9 days. I think that’s the longest I’ve gone without updating my site since I created it in December of last year. I really could’ve written a few posts in the past week, but I just didn’t feel all too passionate about any of the ideas I thought of. I don’t ever wanna force creativity, it never goes well. I have an issue, though, because I would like to keep consistency and effort with my blog but I also want to abide by the ‘let the post come to you’ philosophy. As a result, it forces me to try and brainstorm more often to find new ideas continually.

One of the most mis-understood phrases (to me) is the 3 word phrase “Let it go”. It isn’t like I just can’t comprehend what the words mean or what the saying is getting at, but I think that it’s the way I interpret it that has always been a struggle for me.

It’s a simple concept, really. It is what you say when you’ve gotta move on with something or get over it. People may have uttered it to you when you’re caught up on an issue. Like if you were upset that someone made a rumor about you, or that they forgot to get you a gift for your birthday. These are valid reasons to be upset and hung up on something, sure, but eventually you’ve just gotta let it go, ya know? That’s the context, and hearing it like that, it’s fairly easy to comprehend.

But, in the actual words, if you dig deeper, what about the idea of letting it? I feel like I have rarely ever let something go. More often, I’ve taught myself to just forget about it. I’ve forced it to vanish. And, I always wondered why it always frustrated me so much when I have to let something go. It’s because, for a while, I hadn’t been actually doing that, I’d been masking it with even more effort. When you let something go, by definition, you’re supposed to just stop making effort or stop trying with it. It is what makes it a process of taking your ‘hands off the situation’, and letting it be. You can’t just keep trying in any way, otherwise it isn’t truly, well, letting it go.

I may have over-explained there, but this goes even deeper than that for me. I’ve always had an issue with ‘not being in control’. It’s this concept of autonomy, to me. Everyone wants to be in the driver seat of their life- they want to control things. You wouldn’t wanna be told that you’re nothing but a leaf in the wind, because it might depress you. Or, it might not. But for me, the most frustrating thing is to watch something happen around you and not have any hand in it. So, thus explains my lifelong desire to try and be completely autonomous over my life.

I’ve been told by many people that I ‘do too much’ or ‘try too hard’. Fair enough, I wouldn’t dispute that. I’ve heard the term ‘you can’t control everything’. Yes, I also believe in that. I know it’s true. Sometimes, things happen and you aren’t able to impact their outcome, or change the course of them.

Even hearing that, though, and understanding that I truly don’t hold all of the influence over even my own life, I still struggle for control. And, I usually feel satisfied at the end of the day with this struggle. How? Well, I’ve always just changed my view on things and the perspective in order to match up with what I’d like to believe. If something does happen that I didn’t have a hand in, I just control how I feel about it. That way, I reaffirm my subconscious desire to have influence over all of my life- yet, I accept that it’s not possible. I don’t know if that made clear sense to you, but I tried explaining the science behind why I have trouble with that phrase- let it go.

So, recently, over the past year or two, I think I’ve bettered my efforts of letting go. I’ve began to not ‘forget about things’ but to just let them go in their own direction. It’s been quite a trying task for me to accept and implement, because it does go against my natural inclination to make an effort.

But, on the other hand, it actually leaves me way less stressed out. I do my part, do what I can, and let the rest just unfold on itself. Sometimes, it has unfolded into something desirable, and other times, it has withered away and I just have to watch. That’s better that way, though, because new things will always present themselves, and I don’t give myself that extra worry of ‘how can I fix this?‘.

I mainly have to think about all of this when it comes to girls. Sometimes you make an effort towards a relationship, and it doesn’t work out. For me, this has been the story of my life since 10th grade. There are a lot of reasons why I haven’t dated much; from being too anxious, having low self esteem, wanting to be independent, not knowing what I want, being way too picky, going after the wrong ones- but one of the biggest reasons, at least recently, is just because it didn’t work out. The last 4 or 5 girls that I have wanted to date and made effort to date just didn’t work out for one reason or another. What I would have done, just a few years ago, would be to try and ‘force the issue’ or to dwell on it. I’d convince myself I was moving on, when in reality I was doing anything but that. As soon as I stopped trying to ‘move things all by myself’, aka actually letting them go, I realized that it offends me way less. I think about it way less, I don’t worry.

And, while there is always a part of me that wants to fix things, interfere, or change the course, there is now a part of me that knows that’s the thing to do. Sometimes, just let it go, and move on. That’s what I’ve got to say.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 6:23 PM