The Negatives of Introversion

 

These past few weeks have been very busy for me. “Spring break” is now over (I didn’t go anywhere unfortunately- just 9 days in a row at work) and now after having the weekend off to re-charge I have a few thoughts on my mind in regards to how this year is panning out.

First off, I did something unusual at the beginning of this year- I chose not to make any specific goals or resolutions in a list form like I normally would have. I figured that making a ‘resolution list’ does not really do anything for making me actually motivated to complete those goals. Well, speaking on previous years, it did not. But, nonetheless, I have obviously set things that I want to improve about myself in my mind.

I started off by trying to get some routine into my life. A simple routine- I made it a point in early February to go out and shoot 100 free throws daily, track my progress, and had in mind a 30 day schedule to visualize my improvement daily and get myself encouraged by simple results, hoping this would translate into other areas of my life. It was actually very nice to stick to this schedule and I’m currently still working on that ‘100 basketball free throw shots a day’ idea- I had to take a break when I sprained my ankle last month.

Then, I began to practice math problems in my free time with online courses. Just taking 30 minutes a day to work on these subjects and really understand them can really help me in the future, I figure. So it becomes a ripple effect sort of, and if there is one thing I am proud of myself for doings so far into 2018, it’s probably the consistency I have had in the activities I have taken on. That being said, there is still a lot of room for improvement.

Something that sort of happened unintentionally this year is that I have started to talk to more and more people, making new friends at work, class, and hanging out with old friends. All sorts of socialization that I did not really intend on, but it began happening none the less. I think to myself about this as a great thing, I am pushing myself to get out more by virtue of just making these connections, and thus working on a weak spot of mine: the will to socialize with new people. Sounds great- or does it?

The more and more I get out and meet up with people, the more and more I start to realize why I had not been socializing as much in the past- I just don’t think I’m capable of it. Sure, I can have my friends and I enjoy hanging out with them. But there is a limit. And, I am starting to realize this limit is not really something I can change. It’s because I’m naturally inclined to be introverted.

That is just the way I am. You wanna know how many nights I have had to myself the past 3 weeks? Probably 4 or 5 maybe. And all but 2 of those have been work nights where I had a reason to stay in. That is crazy to me, and it’s not sustainable.

What always ends up happening is that I have too much on my plate and it just will not fit- I have plans every other night with different people some times- and I know that I won’t be able to honor all of the plans. Yet, I now have developed these relationships and I am indebted in a way to them. You need to make time for friends. I truly believe that. You need to make time for family. Duh. But what I always fail to realize is that I can’t be making friends with so many people that I never have alone time. I need my alone time. Everyone does, but I feel exhausted after consecutive nights out. I have no time to recharge and reflect, and what ends up occurring is I cancel plans with someone because I realize I try to please people and not take myself into consideration. And, the person who is cancelled on (rightfully) gets upset with me, I’m now a bad guy, I feel bad because I care a bit too much, rinse and repeat.

What is the solution for me? I know it. It’s going to sound harsh, but I need to keep my circle of friends at the appropriate size.

I just know that I won’t have time to keep all of the friends I have right now. My friends who get along best with me, have been with me the longest, and understand me and my decisions most are the ones I wanna give my time to, because I can tell they wanna give me their time. For those of my friends who can’t understand when I make a mistake or are unforgiving, making me feel even worse when I know I’ve let them down, are just not getting this, and I don’t expect them to. It’s my fault for going about and forging all of these relationships and occasionally making empty plans when I’m now realizing I just don’t have enough social energy for that many people.

If something isn’t broken, they say not to fix it, right? Yeah. Well, when I started realizing I was going out more and having more success this year, and decided to make it a point to keep doing so, I messed up. I should have remembered that there was a reason why this wasn’t on my mental “resolution/goal” list for this year; I’ve never had an issue with the amount of friends I have and the amount of time I go out. So, I shouldn’t be making a conscious effort to get out and keep doing it. I can’t sustain the pressure of so many different people wanting my time. Maybe you can, I can’t. And, in defense of myself, those of my friends who realize what’s going on will either understand or they’ll think I’m whining, but just like I understand the people in my life and try to accommodate them, those people need to do the same for me.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu,

12:07 AM

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