Ahh, just in time before July ends! I think that’s…two posts this month? Man. If I had a following, I’d have lost them by now, surely. The key to keeping people interested is really consistency, and man have I been the opposite of that this summer. I remember I thought about doing a “post-a-day” thing, where I’d make a new post for each day. Safe to say that didn’t happen, but does it really matter? Eh.
There is no real reason as to why I’ve been absent from my website, I just haven’t felt like writing about much. Summer has been good, but it has been really quite normal if that makes sense. I’ve basically just been working, hanging out with friends, and making some videos.
Oh, by the way, my documentary is finally finished and posted. Took me long enough. It came out alright, it definitely feels like it could’ve been better. But, that’s how I feel about every thing I make after it’s made- not to worry, I’m working on new videos already. Here is the link to “The Pursuit of Prescription” (my mini documentary):
Check it out if ya want.
Anyways, I did want to write tonight, as evident by what you’re reading. I’m not abandoning my site, promise. Never was gonna just let it sit and disappear, I just don’t wanna force writing. I’ve been pretty “at peace” all summer, and thus, no real writing inspiration. Writing usually comes about when there are troubles or fortunes, it’s never really something you think about doing when you’re just comfortable doing what you’re doing.
One thing that’s happened of note is I finally cut ties with amphetamine. It was a 4-5 month relationship and I couldn’t really wait to find a way out. It seemed I wasn’t going to ‘find a way out’ for the longest time- it seemed like I was gonna rely on vyvanse or adderall or some edgy stimulant for the end of time. Because, it was supposed to fix my ‘ADD’ or whatever- really, I needed it for my alertness. I’ve gone over this before- it was a double edged sword.
Why a double edged sword? Well, I wanted to stay on it, because it (vyvanse, aka extended release amphetamine/adderall) kept me more awake, and reduced my urge to nap, and I got more done on it, naturally.
Whilst having that productivity and general increase in wakefulness, however, there was a hefty load of anxiety, social anxiety, robotic-ness, and overall flatline emotion. Never feeling like myself. Feeling too anxious to go on dates. Feeling too robotic to joke. Not being able to wholeheartedly laugh. Ask anyone that’s had to rely on amphetamine or the similar, they’ll tell you. Or maybe they won’t, or maybe you yourself have been on it and don’t really follow. Well, a CNS stimulant as powerful as anything with amphetamine in it is going to magnify anxiety, so if you’re an anxious person, strap yourself in. You’re in for a ride.
I read a post that someone made online in regards to adderall/vyvanse. They titled it something like “amphetamine; the drug you learn to hate”, and the post was devoted to explaining the stages of getting accustomed to being on a stimulant. Starts off as “wow, this stuff is amazing!” to “ehh, I’m getting more done but ehh”, all the way to “holy shit I’m agitated all of the time”.
How did I find a way out of it? Well, as much as I wanna say that I cured my sleep issue, that’s not what happened, but rather I found something else that just works much better.
First, I’ve cleaned up my diet quite a bit this summer. More vegetables, fruit, coconut/MCT oil, curcumin, methylated folate, antioxidants, etc. I had to get that part nailed down, because if anything health related is going to be fixed, it starts with lifestyle, in my opinion. Then, I started exercising daily again- I’m getting back into basketball, and hopefully by August I’ll be in the weight room. So first, natural stuff has helped.
Next, I started doing new habits and minor things like that. I don’t know how much all of my 2 am Google science research will help in the future, but it definitely is time well spent, in my eyes. Figuring out all of my issues, relating them to people online- it doesn’t scare me, in fact, it does the opposite. The more knowledge I have, the better off I am. I believe that. Minor little habits also have helped; for example, I haven’t taken a warm shower in weeks. Cold water every day- the willpower it takes to hop in has gotta be doing something for me. I (literally) feel it.
Reducing sugar, less dairy, less processed food, less snacking, I’m sure has done a lot to help. But, the medication switch is what has allowed me to leave vyvanse in the rearview like I’ve wanted to for a while. I am now on what’s called modafinil, and man I couldn’t recommend the stuff enough. Well, if you have sleep issues, that is. Modafinil (or ProVigil) is not amphetamine, it is technically qualified as a ‘CNS stimulant’, but what it really is is a “wakefulness promoting drug”. That is what I needed, something that was simply designed to just wake me up.
I’ve said this all along, I told all of my doctors this same thing: I’m sleepy, I’m not having attention issues, I’m just sleepy. It’s always funny to me to hear some doctor’s responses: “You’re not sleepy”. Think I’m bullshitting you? Nope! One of my doctors literally told me that to my face. Safe to say, I stopped visiting that dude. He’s a waste of my time, if he’s going to tell me what I feel. Now before I get angry talking about that man, I’ll continue along with why modafinil has flipped the switch.
It’s subtle. My heart doesn’t race on it. It’s not that strong at all, but it clears my mind up better than anything yet. It makes me feel ‘normal’, which is just what I wanted. I still can feel sleepy on it, but the edge of sleepiness is much gone. I don’t need to nap, and I have more and more wakeful moments on it. Best part? No more anxiety on it. I feel like myself, I am being myself, and people are noticing. All my coworkers are asking where this new “joking Luca” came from. They just don’t know it’s who I always was, underneath that shit amphetamine mask.
Modafinil is a medication for sleep apnea, shift work sleep disorder, and narcolepsy. It’s not for ADD. If a healthy individual takes it, they won’t feel much, maybe just a cleared head. Many people online claim modafinil/provigil to be the “limitless drug”, a ‘cognitive enhancer’, a smart drug. I’ll be the first to tell you, so you don’t waste your time- it’s not that. It’s so subtle and calm that it’s almost like a vitamin supplement. For me, though, a person who’s always sleepy for seemingly no reason, it helps me level the playing field.
So that’s been an update on what’s going on with me lately. I’ve been comfortable, I’ve felt like myself, and I don’t feel the need to do any much more than that. It’s good to be back!
Thanks for reading
Luca DeJesu, 2:29 AM