I just shaved. I don’t know why, but whenever I shave I feel ‘new’ and motivated. I didn’t really need to shave tonight, but I did, because it’s like a little burst of motivation. Is shaving a drug?

So anyways, here I sit, clean shaven and all. Writing a post, its 1:39 am right now. I know it sounds really late, but for me, this is somewhat an early time of the night. I’ve gotten on this ‘3rd shift’ kind of sleeping schedule over the past ~ year or so, where I usually go to sleep around 4 am and wake up around 1 pm. It’s a bad schedule and a habit that I’ve tried to break numerous times, just haven’t tried hard enough, I guess. I’m gonna go to sleep soon, and starting shifting it back starting tonight.

How did I let my sleeping schedule misalign so bad in the first place? I mean, a year is a long time to leave something unfixed. Part of the problem is that it’s okay for me to sleep in- I still live at home, I have a school schedule that caters to the night owl, and my job utilizes me as an evening worker. So, there isn’t a whole lot of responsibility in the morning for me, so I don’t really have to be up then. That’s the way it’s been for the past 2 years now.

The other part of the problem? Complacency. 

Becoming complacent. Being complacent. The thing I always say I want to avoid. I never want to fall into a zone of complacency, a one where my life is essentially ‘what it is’, and I’m not really looking to move the needle at all. I guess that’s standard, to want to be improving, or at least changing. Sure, not everyone actually does constantly improve, yet if you ask anyone, they’d almost all say that it’s their goal. To steadily become better everyday, to move forward and make life better each step.

In a lot of ways, when I look back realistically on me in the past few years (since starting community college), I’ve really become sedentary in a lot of the aspects of my life. I stopped worrying about working out, improving my jump shot in basketball, setting personal goals, and even my morality.

I’m not a saint, far from it, but there was a time in high school where I took morals a bit more seriously. The virtues of self control, willpower, the idea of stoicism, building confidence- they’ve gone missing in my life. I still am a nice person and that’s one thing I’m proud of, I’ve never let the main moral of “treat your neighbor as yourself” slip away from me. That’s the most important one to me. That one above all else. But, I no longer find myself practicing the same standards I did for a while. I used to be much better at being health conscious in my diet. I used to force myself to find motivation in tough spots. It’s like these goals that I would work towards, in order to practice to just be a better person overall, those have silently gone missing.

It’s not that I don’t care, because I do, but it’s that I’ve gotten comfortable. Being comfortable can lead to this idea of complacency. You don’t feel that need anymore, that you once did, because ‘everything’s fine, maan’. It’s not until something happens that kind of ‘wakes you up’, that you realize change is needed. When life isn’t throwing you that message, it can be hard to receive it. How do you receive it, anyway? I find that writing this out, for one, makes me realize what nothing else is telling me: I’ve gotta make some changes for myself and for those around me.

I’m sounding super general, I know, but it’s just because, well, in general I need to change some stuff. I don’t want a new school or a new friend to be that thing that ‘shifts me into gear’ all of the time. It’s not a pride thing, it’s just that I believe I need to invent my own gear shift. I feel like everyone should have the ability to find fault in themselves and seek out a solution. In saying that, I hope I’ll practice what I’m preaching.

A customer came into Starbucks a few days ago. He points to a bagel and asks “Is this the sprouted grain vegan bagel?” 

“Yeah, I think. It replaced the multigrain bagel”, I say, with a slight bit of doubt. I didn’t realize we had a ‘vegan bagel’, I thought it was just another bagel.

“Is it vegan? I didn’t even know that! Are you yourself a vegan?”

Yeah man, I’ve been trying to switch to veganism. It’s hard, I’m only on week five, but I’m hoping I can keep it. I’m feeling more ‘chipper’ already since I started watching my diet”.

Five weeks? On a vegan diet? To me, that seemed impossible. It’s not impossible, obviously, but man, I just realized how far off I’d be from having the same sense of willpower as this dude has. He’s kept this incredibly restrictive diet up for 5 weeks straight and is rolling on, meanwhile I had some southwest chicken microwavable taquitos with a soda late last night. I give this guy props. I could learn a thing or two about self determination from him.

With that, I’m gonna wrap this one up. We all need self determination, or the ability to produce it. I don’t have it, but I hope I’ll stop being a lazy fuck and actually fix that. Maybe by the end of summer, I’ll be awake in the morning, hitting the gym in the afternoon again, and mentally overpowering that urge to get some Jack in the Box tacos.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 2:08 AM

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