My Dilemma

What’s up. It’s been a little over a week since I even thought to write a post on here. I’ve been really busy. Working, creating stuff, catching up with friends, sleeping in. I haven’t really had time to post much.

It’s been only about 6 months on the stuff, but I’m growing pretty tired of taking vyvanse every day. It definitely gets tiring to deal with amphetamine coursing through your system every hour.

Have you ever taken a stimulant? Ever been prescribed one? For whatever reason. ADD, ADHD, whatever. I mean, taken one for an extended period of time?

If you have, you’ll be able to relate to what I’m about to say.

Vyvanse, adderall, ritalin, you name it- prescription stimulants- may seem perfect when you take them for the first time. You’re up and at it, getting stuff done, feeling more awake and alert, and probably scoring higher on a test. Taking them for a day, a week, or a few weeks, they seem to work miracles. You might wonder why I’d even think to complain about them.

It’s something different though when you have to take it. Over time, your body gets used to it, it loses it’s “day 1” efficacy, and some of the negative effects start to kick in.

Vyvanse does the following for me: helps me feel awake, keeps me focused, makes me want to get things done, and helps me complete things/tasks.

Of those things, there are plenty of positive things. The whole part about being more productive is a definite reason to take it. I’m not prescribed it for that reason, though. I feel the need to tell people this when they ask why I take it. Well, I don’t wanna take anything. I like being sober, I like living my own life, outside from drug interference. But, I have to take it. I mean that.

I don’t know what went wrong a year ago or whatever, I don’t know why I all of a sudden got more and more tired, but for whatever reason, it just happened. I hope this never happens to you, because it’s extremely frustrating to deal with and literally explain constantly. It’d be different if I had a firm diagnosis, people would understand- but then again, I don’t wanna be diagnosed with anything. Safe to say, I have something in the realm of narcolepsy. It’s not full blown narcolepsy, I’m not gonna fall asleep while driving, but I’m gonna be about twice as tired as I should be. How do I know? Because, before this year, I never had these issues. Whatever, I’ve said this all a million times- point is, I don’t have a choice whether or not I swallow that capsule every day I wake up. Yeah, I could go off it- but I know what will happen, I’ll be sleepy and constantly fighting the urge to nap. Yes I’ve tried it.

The dilemma is that I’m not myself when I’m on vyvanse. I’m awkward, I’m only focused on work, I get shit done but I forget to enjoy stuff. The caveat to the productivity part of vyvanse is that if you aren’t productive, you feel shitty. You’re restless, irritable, and your day feels hollow. Social anxiety is magnified x10 on vyvanse. It doesn’t “make you nervous” so to say, but it makes you hyper aware. You focus so well that you focus on what everyone around you is thinking about you. The result is watching your every move, being overly self aware, and just being a robot socially. I’m too damn robotic and wanting to work. When on vyvanse, your first thought in response to someone will be What’s the the most logical response here? This makes me so fucking awkward, trying to just make conversation work as if it’s some task. It’s the way your mind works on vyvanse, and God forbid you notice the other person’s tone change. Then you focus on your own social rigidity, it’s a cycle, and thus boom- you’re awkward.

That’s my daily dilemma- do I wanna feel awake? Or would I rather be sleepy but feel more like myself? It’s annoying. I want both. I want to be able to have my confidence that I know I have, but I also want to be able to stay awake- and feel awake. That feeling you have after a 5 hour night of sleep in the morning- that’s what I’m talking about. That’s the “issue” I have- I have that feeling regardless of amount of sleep, and it doesn’t go away after a few hours of being awake.

Personally, I’m gonna pick the option of feeling awake. I guess I’ll just keep trying to get over my lack of personality whilst being on it. Man, those days when I’ve got nothing going on though, and I decide to skip it- those days are really just a reminder of what a different person this drug makes me. All of a sudden I’m making people laugh and I’m not worrying about what I’ve gotten done. Sure, I’m tired, but I’m myself. Fuck the social awkwardness, because I got over that shit 3 years ago. Well, I did, but this new crutch I have brings it back. That’s the dilemma.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 3:09 AM

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