Let it Go

Wow, I haven’t written a post in 9 days. I think that’s the longest I’ve gone without updating my site since I created it in December of last year. I really could’ve written a few posts in the past week, but I just didn’t feel all too passionate about any of the ideas I thought of. I don’t ever wanna force creativity, it never goes well. I have an issue, though, because I would like to keep consistency and effort with my blog but I also want to abide by the ‘let the post come to you’ philosophy. As a result, it forces me to try and brainstorm more often to find new ideas continually.

One of the most mis-understood phrases (to me) is the 3 word phrase “Let it go”. It isn’t like I just can’t comprehend what the words mean or what the saying is getting at, but I think that it’s the way I interpret it that has always been a struggle for me.

It’s a simple concept, really. It is what you say when you’ve gotta move on with something or get over it. People may have uttered it to you when you’re caught up on an issue. Like if you were upset that someone made a rumor about you, or that they forgot to get you a gift for your birthday. These are valid reasons to be upset and hung up on something, sure, but eventually you’ve just gotta let it go, ya know? That’s the context, and hearing it like that, it’s fairly easy to comprehend.

But, in the actual words, if you dig deeper, what about the idea of letting it? I feel like I have rarely ever let something go. More often, I’ve taught myself to just forget about it. I’ve forced it to vanish. And, I always wondered why it always frustrated me so much when I have to let something go. It’s because, for a while, I hadn’t been actually doing that, I’d been masking it with even more effort. When you let something go, by definition, you’re supposed to just stop making effort or stop trying with it. It is what makes it a process of taking your ‘hands off the situation’, and letting it be. You can’t just keep trying in any way, otherwise it isn’t truly, well, letting it go.

I may have over-explained there, but this goes even deeper than that for me. I’ve always had an issue with ‘not being in control’. It’s this concept of autonomy, to me. Everyone wants to be in the driver seat of their life- they want to control things. You wouldn’t wanna be told that you’re nothing but a leaf in the wind, because it might depress you. Or, it might not. But for me, the most frustrating thing is to watch something happen around you and not have any hand in it. So, thus explains my lifelong desire to try and be completely autonomous over my life.

I’ve been told by many people that I ‘do too much’ or ‘try too hard’. Fair enough, I wouldn’t dispute that. I’ve heard the term ‘you can’t control everything’. Yes, I also believe in that. I know it’s true. Sometimes, things happen and you aren’t able to impact their outcome, or change the course of them.

Even hearing that, though, and understanding that I truly don’t hold all of the influence over even my own life, I still struggle for control. And, I usually feel satisfied at the end of the day with this struggle. How? Well, I’ve always just changed my view on things and the perspective in order to match up with what I’d like to believe. If something does happen that I didn’t have a hand in, I just control how I feel about it. That way, I reaffirm my subconscious desire to have influence over all of my life- yet, I accept that it’s not possible. I don’t know if that made clear sense to you, but I tried explaining the science behind why I have trouble with that phrase- let it go.

So, recently, over the past year or two, I think I’ve bettered my efforts of letting go. I’ve began to not ‘forget about things’ but to just let them go in their own direction. It’s been quite a trying task for me to accept and implement, because it does go against my natural inclination to make an effort.

But, on the other hand, it actually leaves me way less stressed out. I do my part, do what I can, and let the rest just unfold on itself. Sometimes, it has unfolded into something desirable, and other times, it has withered away and I just have to watch. That’s better that way, though, because new things will always present themselves, and I don’t give myself that extra worry of ‘how can I fix this?‘.

I mainly have to think about all of this when it comes to girls. Sometimes you make an effort towards a relationship, and it doesn’t work out. For me, this has been the story of my life since 10th grade. There are a lot of reasons why I haven’t dated much; from being too anxious, having low self esteem, wanting to be independent, not knowing what I want, being way too picky, going after the wrong ones- but one of the biggest reasons, at least recently, is just because it didn’t work out. The last 4 or 5 girls that I have wanted to date and made effort to date just didn’t work out for one reason or another. What I would have done, just a few years ago, would be to try and ‘force the issue’ or to dwell on it. I’d convince myself I was moving on, when in reality I was doing anything but that. As soon as I stopped trying to ‘move things all by myself’, aka actually letting them go, I realized that it offends me way less. I think about it way less, I don’t worry.

And, while there is always a part of me that wants to fix things, interfere, or change the course, there is now a part of me that knows that’s the thing to do. Sometimes, just let it go, and move on. That’s what I’ve got to say.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 6:23 PM

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