The Downsides of Being Nice

Happy Tuesday everyone, or happy day-off for me. I really shouldn’t complain about work as I only work ~ 25 hours a week, but my schedule is set up to where I usually work Friday-Monday, and Wednesday. So, after 4 straight days of work and 5 times in 6 nights of closing, I’m relieved to be off today. And with that, I’m gonna write.

Did you like the previous post? It’s a step in a different direction, sorta. It’s a turn from constantly posting personal stuff, to moving more towards my thoughts on other people. I wanna start doing some more those, maybe like a “About:_____” series, where I blog my thoughts on a topic or person. That one was significant to me, because I think it was long overdue. I’d meant to write some sort of piece about my appreciation for Chris Martin for a long time- he deserves it, I believe.

With that said, this is gonna be more in the ‘personal’ post category. I do intend on varying up posts more, to keep it interesting and also so I don’t literally run out of things to post. Only so much can be said on here about my personal life, because I don’t wanna be an open book, and also because there isn’t so much to me. I’ve said quite a bit and its only my website’s inaugural year of existence.

So, I know I’ve touched on this in many of my other blog-updates, but I think people generally refer to me as a nice guy. I intend on being nice, and that’s really what I expect from others- and that’s pretty much it. I’ve always abided by If they’re nice, I dig them. Meaning, not only do I want kind people in my life, but it’s kinda the heaviest of all traits to me. I’ll befriend anyone if they’re a kind hearted person. It’s really as simple as that, and the reason is because I obviously value that- kindness. You ever notice how you seek out other individuals based on what you value internally? I’ve noticed it.

However, that fact- the fact that one of my main goals in my life is to treat others in a docile manner (aka, being nice)- comes with a lot of shitty side effects. It’s no earth shattering news to hear that being nice doesn’t mean you’ll never run into problems”. 

Not only problems in life, but even problems with people. It seems like a paradox in the making. You’re constantly friendly to people; where could that go wrong? Where could a person develop an issue with a friendly person?

Well, while you may avoid arguments, drama, and generally be looked at in a positive light if you’re nice, you’ll also experience the complex of issues that come along with it. I’ll talk about the issues I notice, from personal experience.

You walk a fine-line between the balance of valuing your demands and the demands of those around you. You know the saying- “Don’t be a people pleaser”. It sounds like an oxymoron- why would you intentionally avoid doing something as good as pleasing other people? Well, if you’re always trying to be the nice person, you’re inevitably going to evolve into a people pleaser. And what that is, is this: you always try and make the other person smile, regardless of circumstance. There are many instances where this is a 100 percent ‘okay’ thing to do. But, it becomes an issue when you start doing things for others and forgetting you also need attention. It’s not like I notice that I ‘forget I exist’ in situations, but rather I start sacrificing things that end up hurting me. I occasionally find myself agreeing with a person too much, because it’s what they want to hear. But, what if it’s not what they need to hear? Then, I’m effectively doing them a disservice. Also, you can become a mat that people walk on this way. You get stepped on because you’re such an inviting person, a person that others want to be around. Sounds kinda good, right? Well, not necessarily, and here’s why.

You fall into stereotypical roles. “Wingman”. “The friend zone”. When a girl fucking calls you “bud”. You ever hear these titles being awarded to people? Well, news flash- these awards are awards that even a soccer mom would refuse to give to her 4 year old son. I call them “stereotypical roles” because they have a stereotype that they align with. The stereotype of the wingman is that he/she always helps his/her friends into relationships, or helps them ‘get the number’, but, is usually ‘on the sideline’ afterward. Some people are really good at being wingmen, and they find success themselves as well. But, for most, when you’re told “You’re the best wingman ever”, it’s a compliment, but it’s likely that you forgot to wing yourself a partner. You’re always helping them, not yourself. How about the friend zone? Well, this is one area that no one intends on going into, but rather they do so by mistake. You’re the shoulder to cry on when her boyfriend upset her. You’re the one she texts when she wants a decision on what to do with him. You’re close to her, but not in the way you want to be. It’s because you’re a friend to her (or him)- and, you’ll likely never be anything else than that. Being soft and kind all the time actually turns people off, I’ve found. No, I’m not saying the solution is to be an asshole. Rather, be your own person. Have value for your own time and emotion, and if you’re being used as a shoulder, get out of there. I’ve done it plenty of times. Let that issue he/she is having settle itself, because you’re not supposed to be the fixer upper for another relationship, if it’s not what you wanna do. And, it shouldn’t be what you wanna do.

The image you develop is one of weakness. It’s not true at all, let me just start with that. Being nice to everyone does NOT equate to being weak. When you’re really forgiving, understanding, conflict-avoidant, and soft spoken, you unfortunately can fall into a perspective of being ‘spineless’. It’s not always true- if you aren’t standing up to a situation/person when you should, however, it’s a bad thing. I’ve met plenty of people at school, worked with plenty of people, who, when hearing me get upset, get genuinely surprised. “Whoa, that’s possible?”. And, over time, people actually start believing you just can’t get mad, or just have no back-bone. Now, I ignore this in most situations- I’m confident enough in what I’m doing to not give a shit. Cause, the thing is (with being nice), is that yes, you do it for other people. But, for me, I also do it for myself, and this is what a lot of people fail to realize. I am happy when other people are at peace with me. I don’t like annoying arguments, petty insults, etc. So, I’m nice to others so that I personally minimize the chance of dealing with petty stuff or arguments. It’s not only beneficial to them that I try to be friendly, but it’s also beneficial to me. Now, the other person isn’t going to really see this, in most cases. At least that’s in my experience. The thing is, the image that others have of you, shouldn’t matter to you. I know, you’ve heard it before, and trust me I know it’s a hard concept to implement, but if that one guy is calling you a wimp or something of the similar behind your back, just know it’s insecurity. People who insult others and call them ‘beta’ or whatever for being a ‘nice guy’ are most likely insecure, and you gotta ignore ’em. But, that doesn’t take away from the fact that being constantly seen as passive (when in reality you just want to be friendly) is really annoying.

Did you just read that and think to yourself “This is all too relatable”? Well, if so, then congrats, you’re like me. If that’s something you value. But, also, I’m sorry, because relating to some of that is just downright no fun. It almost seems to me that, at times, being selfish is the best path to happiness. It sounds outrageous, but it’s true in some situations. You being selfless inherently is a good thing, I think, but it also means you inherently will do some friendly fire to yourself. But, don’t stop being nice. I’m personally not going to. Just remember, your voice is as valuable as the other person’s.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 4:53 PM

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