Not giving a fuck. That’s what that stands for.
I find myself trying to do too much way too often, nowadays. I try hard to be nice to people and ‘keep the peace’ so to say, and it’s gotten the better of me lately. Today, this week, past few months even. I feel like I need to learn something, remember something I should say, and that’s to occasionally just not give a fuck.
Part of growing up, to me, is learning to be a better person. In fact, that’s like 95 percent of it. So, as I’ve aged, I always set new personal goals; be kinder, wiser, don’t do this, don’t do that. It’s something I find valuable, to try and be a better person. Mainly, “being a better person” equates to being more mild mannered and calmer, evidently becoming kinder. I’ve gotten good at it, people tell me, in fact the past week I’ve heard “you’re too nice, Luca” about 47.5 times. It’s a good thing to hear. That my effort to be better has worked.
The problem with always trying to be nice, somber, and calm is that you lose your edge. I rarely get angry anymore. I feel the emotion, but I’ve become adept at handling it to the point where it never really ‘breaks the surface’ and shows. And, that’s not all good. Because, people get angry at me- and yet, I refuse to let myself get angry at them. Sometimes, though, you’ve gotta let people know how you really feel. Frustration and anger included. If you don’t, you lose the edge you have.
My biggest pet peeve is when people mistake kindness for weakness. It happens all the time. Here’s how I see the whole “kind vs. mean” thing. It’s easy to be angry and mad. That is so… insufferable. Odds are, if you walk around grimacing and telling people you’re ‘not in the mood’ you’ll avoid talking to them, because they’ll feel uncomfortable and most people have common courtesy. But, if you go around smiling, high fiving everyone you see on the street 24/7, someone is gonna smack you down at one point. Someone is gonna reject your high five, say “leave me alone”, or label you as annoying. It’s so fucking easy to be mad. It’s harder to put a smile on in a shitty situation than it is to get mad on a sunny day. That’s how I see it.
At the same time, though, sometimes I find myself caring too much. Never saying no, never learning to take my own self need into consideration. I’m getting real tired of it, too. I’m not mad at anyone, I’m mad at myself. I discredit myself when I forget to take into account that my emotion, viewpoint, or perspective matter. It’s not that I feel my self esteem is low, I just feel I value selflessness a bit too much. Selflessness is awesome, I think it’s the most honorable trait a person can have. My mom is the absolute most selfless person I’ve met, and maybe that’s why I think it’s such a good characteristic to have. But, I notice my Mom get stepped on by my family because she’s sometimes too selfless. She does the dishes, doesn’t say a word about it, then my brother comes out and destroys the kitchen and proceeds to get mad at her if it’s not back to normal in a day. And, hey, she didn’t need to clean any of the kitchen. It likely wasn’t even her mess. But, that’s the art of being selfless: it’s the act of doing something whilst taking your ego out of the picture entirely. Essentially, you forget your own perceived self worth for a moment, for the better of others, usually. It’s the polar opposite of narcissism.
I’ve become way too selfless, and I’m mad about it, because it’s catching up with me. I walk into work and someone’s visibly upset at me because I checked the wrong schedule and was 15 minutes late. I got a written warning last week from my boss because I was 8 fucking minutes late. I’ve never been later than 15 minutes, never called in a shift, and only had 2 shifts covered in 10 months. Do you think I was a bit angry when I was sitting there, essentially being told I’m constantly tardy, getting a near write up over it, and just having to take it? It’s rhetorical, of course I was mad. Not oh, I’m sad, I can’t get angry. No, I was livid. But I didn’t say anything. That was stupid on my part. I refuse to speak up for myself sometimes because I don’t wanna upset someone. And, in most aspects, I’ll keep that the same. But, I’m discrediting myself majorly when I don’t give my emotion a say, when everyone else around me does.
Confidence plays a key in it, but I’m pretty confident in myself. I’m just too nice sometimes, and while that sounds like a lot of complaining for nothing, it isn’t nothing. There’s a such thing as that. Don’t let yourself discredit yourself like I do too often.
Thanks for reading
Luca DeJesu, 1:55 AM