I always start these posts with some kind of semi-formal greeting, hello, hey what’s up, good afternoon, etc. It’s gotten kinda overused so I’m gonna start this post with something a little different. Potato.

Alright, today I wanna talk about the word nostalgia and it’s meaning to me, my thoughts on it. Because, my brother turned 16 yesterday and as we reminisced over some memories from way back when, I noticed him developing a sad expression. He was being very nostalgic in his thoughts, remembering what it was like to be 8 and hanging with his 12 year old brother. I felt bad, knowing that feeling- the feeling that time is passing by quicker than you want it to. He’s only 16, but still, it doesn’t feel like it. Seems like just last week he was 10 and watching the WWE. Ah. He’s a great brother, I might add.

I could write an entire post about how much he means to me, but, that’s not what this post is for. I hate seeing him down, and although he didn’t really get too sad over the fact that he’s inching closer to being a legal adult, he did bring up something that I just didn’t relate to. He asked “Don’t you miss being a little kid and watching Disney and playing outside?”

Well, I’m about to sound like a cold rock-hearted motherfucker when I say that I’m really not that nostalgic when it comes to childhood memories. 

I always have enjoyed spending time with my siblings. My sister and brother are two people that I’ve always gotten along with. We rarely, and I mean rarely, fight. We have our differences- my brother is the outspoken one, my sister the daring, rebellious character, and I the silent one. Nonetheless, we all have great relationships. When it comes to memories I have with them, I always reflect positively. The jokes, experiences, and times I have with family members with always have a significant importance to me.

But, as far as actually being a kid, I didn’t like it. It’s not because I had any hardships growing up- both of my parents are still together and rarely ever argue, I get along with all family members,  I live in a suburban neighborhood with plenty of gifts and opportunities. There is no real world stimuli that is to blame for my lack of childhood nostalgia.

It was more a mental thing. I just didn’t like being young with no autonomy. No real control over my life- having to rely on others for rides, going to elementary school, being dumb because, well, I was a kid after all. More importantly than this, however, is that I was an anxious kid. I’ve said before that I’ve dealt with anxiety most of my life. I don’t know if I have an anxiety disorder, I’ve never been diagnosed or really seemed medical attention for it. But, as a kid, I can confirm that I had some bad anxiety.

I know this because of looking back on all the times I had aversion to doing certain things. I was irritable as a kid, because I didn’t like being joked about. I was a sensitive motherfucker. And I got teased for this, and now I know it was all jokes, but as a kid I never enjoyed it. I couldn’t watch scary movies as a kid- in fact, one embarrassing story was when I was 8 and watched Halloween for the first time, I got so scared that I used to have my brother hang around me at night and stay up late with me because I was afraid of potential ‘intruders’. That went on for about 6 months, no joke. I slept with a lamp on for several years because I was essentially afraid of the dark. Never played sports until I was 11 when I finally decided to play basketball at recess. Because, I dreaded meeting new people. When I was 5, my Mom enrolled me in Tai-Kwon-Do and I can vividly remember her literally dragging me out of the car when we arrived to the facility because I got so nervous about the practice. My mind was my own enemy at this time, because, as a kid, anxiety will control you, not the other way around.

I know what you may be thinking. Man, this guy is a pussssyy. Well, fair enough. But, as I grew up, and I got more mentally adept at handling my anxiousness, this irrational fear stuff became under control. I’ve gotten steadily happier as each year passes. With more and more experience, more and more confidence building, I’ve overcome what was at one point a serious issue. I just was never aware as a kid of how bad it was. I was unhappy a lot because of the issue. And, looking back, that’s likely why I don’t get all nostalgic about being a a kid. The good ol’ days.

I look forward to getting older because I get better each day. I look forward to the future, and in a lot of ways, it’s a good thought process to possess. On one hand I wish I wasn’t always so riddled with discomfort and nervousness as a kid so I could relate to these “back in the day” conversations, but on the other, I’m glad I’m where I’m at.

Not to worry, I still do get nostalgic. I have plenty of memories that strike chords within me. Plenty of days that I wish I could live again. Nostalgia is an interesting thing. It’s means a lot to some people, and it can shape how you view yourself, others, and the future. Why do we get nostalgic, anyway? What’s the point? If we really are just people on the planet experiencing time go by, why are we programmed to care about what happened in it? It’s gotta be something of higher meaning. Something special.

At the same time, the future holds a lot in store. Maybe better times than the best ones that you spend hours at night replaying in your head. In fact, probably. So get at it!

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 4:21 PM

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