Hey. I’m still up. I’m about to post something negative and if you don’t wanna read it, just don’t.
I’m tired, I’m frustrated, and I’m getting fed up. Today was rough. I let people down today, and I’m not getting any kind of sympathy at all. I’ve failed on following through with plans countless times the past month, two months, year. Happened again today. I also woke up late again,and that never helps. My brother’s upset with me, too. For not watching a movie with him. Long story short, I felt like a disappointment today. In fact, I’ve felt that way for the past week almost. Maybe I am being one.
The thing is, I feel like I’m always wanting sympathy. I’m wanting people to understand, I’m wanting them to take it easy. Especially family. And, you can’t ask for sympathy. Not only was today sad, I’ve been angry today. Sad and angry. The absolute worst combination. And all I ever try to do is to be happy and avoid drama and conflict; I don’t deal with it well.
Letting someone down on a plan sucks. I don’t know why I do it. I do it with nearly everyone. I have a bad habit of rescheduling hangouts, failing to make contact, and I hear it from some people. Rightfully so. It hurts especially when your family is upset with you.
Let me just start off by saying I’m tired of being tired, I’m sick of it. Some people don’t believe me when I say I’m just tired. That isn’t a valid reason to not wanna go out and do anything, or at least it doesn’t earn me any sympathy, so I don’t even fucking bother saying it anymore. It doesn’t matter. Why am I upset about it though? Why do I want sympathy? I guess it’s because I need a break every once in a while. I give everyone breaks. I don’t hound my brother for not wanting to go sit at Starbucks with me. I don’t care that my sister literally never asks to hangout with me. I understand. So WHY can’t someone do the same for me? You know, I know why. It’s because I care. Caring is fine, but let me tell you there IS a such thing as caring too much.
I always wanna fix things. I don’t always succeed. I am still a people pleaser, I am coming to realize. Can’t say no, can’t ignore a text, can’t leave something alone. Guilty conscience, I guess. The thing is, you can’t ask for sympathy- sure, you physically can, but you can’t. People either will give it to you, or they won’t. And it doesn’t matter how many times I try to tell people this and that, that hey, I wish you wouldn’t say that to me. It doesn’t make a difference. The reason I constantly find myself stressed out on a day where I had one single class and no work is because of this mental turmoil of trying to please everyone. It isn’t alright up here unless I feel I’ve made everyone happy, and I can’t do that. And that is where it becomes apparent to me: I need to stop caring as much.
I’ve told myself many times that I won’t do this; I’ll keep being as nice as I can because it’s the best thing I can do for others. Well, it isn’t working for me anymore. That’s how you become sensitive. Look, being sensitive isn’t fun at all. You get your feelings hurt more often, you feel more like a failure (you can’t please everyone; yet you still try), and you end up feeling like you’re whining all the time- so you stop. Cycle repeats. You start bottling up the emotion because you’ve accused yourself of being whiny. Guess what, I’m done with that. I’m not going to let myself become a people pleaser. I will break.
No, nothing bad really happened today. No car wreck. No diagnosis of anything, no sickness, no girl troubles, no losing money, no traffic ticket. But that stuff doesn’t even get to me the way it can. I don’t stress luck, I don’t usually focus on the things that happen to me. What gets to me is letting people down, letting myself down, and becoming distant. I’m not getting any sympathy; it’s called being an adult. It’s the real world. How do others deal with it, then? They get rougher skin. They become colder. Not because they want to, but because any smart person knows that you won’t make everyone’s day.
I don’t even know what else to say. I’ll be fine when I wake up. No matter what. I just had a bad day. I’ve had a bad few days. I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m hoping something comes along soon that will pick me up, because I’m headed towards a rut. I guess it’s true, you can’t control what happens to you. You can control how you feel about it. In all aspects, I have to stop being thin skinned. It’s for my own good. Use that as the takeaway from this depressing post. Do some stuff because you know how you feel. I’m done convincing anyone that I’m upset. Done trying to explain that I’m sleepy or tired. I’m done looking or expecting any sympathy. Days like this can be avoided, if I can just learn to stop giving a fuck every once in a while. I don’t know what else to say.
I’m tired. I’ll be fine tomorrow. I’ve got some good stuff coming, this kind of content won’t be consistent. Not because I’ll bottle it up, the negative stuff, but because I’m gonna move forward and get better.
Thanks for reading
Luca DeJesu, 3:52 AM