On Self Esteem

Hey. Lately I’ve been thinking about the topic of self esteem. Just a few days I’ve been thinking about it, and it’s kinda confusing me to be honest. I don’t think I truly know what self esteem is. No, I’m not saying that in the vein of I have no self esteem, because I believe I do, I’m just saying it in the most literal way. What is it? Like, what is the definition of it?

I know google and other dictionaries could technically answer that for you easily, but have you ever noticed how many different perceptions of the term exist? So many people have hinted that it means different things to them. Hinted as in the way they portray it, or the way they discuss or describe it.

I think most people will tell you that self esteem is your self value. How much do you feel you matter? Thus, people with low self esteem don’t think they’re worth it, and those with high self esteem are confident and happy with their self image. But, how is it measured? How do you know if a thought exists to tell yourself your worth it, or if you’re just being narcissistic? To me, there are many grey areas. Speaking from personal experience here, I have situations where I think I’m great, and others where I can’t stand to talk about anything related to me.

People have told me before that they think I’m in a shell that I need to break out of. One of my coworkers the other day said just this, and it’s what got me thinking about shells, confidence, self value etc. I am generally shy, I guess, and I’ve always been in a mental ‘tug of war’ of whether this is because I just plain enjoy quietness, or that I am really a sociable person just waiting to crack the barrier that is a socially anxious shell.

To be honest, I don’t think I’m in a shell. I really don’t. I can say that with confidence. When I’m not talking, it’s because I just don’t want to, not that I don’t feel I can. Another issue though, is that I’ve been described as too nice. As in, I don’t know when to say no, when to cut someone out, or that I just let people walk all over me. So, if it’s true, that I am in fact too nice and let people walk all over me, does this mean I don’t stand up for myself enough? Many people would say yes, if you’re always trying to be nice, you’ll get taken advantage of, and that you’ll ultimately be stepped on.

But, what if I just like being nice? What if I don’t care about being perceived as someone who lets others get away with things? Going further, what if I told you that I don’t even think of that concept; the concept that being lenient on someone when they’ve done me wrong may be allowing them to take advantage of me? Well, if I told you that, it’s true. Does this mean I have low self esteem?

Here is my answer: no. If it really bothered me, I’d say something. I’d do something. But, if it doesn’t actually bother you, or even affect you in any way you see harmful, then why do people always have a comment to make about it? Luca, you can’t let people keep getting off the hook with these things. The next time they do that, get mad at them. Take a stand. If you don’t, you obviously don’t value yourself enough; you don’t have enough self esteem.

That is why I don’t know what self esteem truly is. Is it simply taking a stand for yourself? And by taking a stand, how do you determine when you should? By what you believe or by what other people believe for you? I’ve always seen it as this: if it doesn’t really affect me or person I know, I don’t really care. Ever seen The Big Lebowski? Yeah. The dude doesn’t care. So why should I?

I feel like this post is very confusing and may even be annoying to read. It’s kinda of a ‘raw thought’ post. It’s really what I’ve been thinking of. I feel I’m always being pressured to become something I don’t find necessary. Self esteem isn’t determined by what other people see in you. It isn’t determined by what they think you should be doing, or by any of their standards. Having self esteem is giving effort to yourself because you think you should. If you want to learn to be nicer to all of your enemies, and you think it would help your life and/or theirs, just do that. Don’t listen to someone who is telling you it’s a bad idea, that you should stop being nice. That’s how I see it. Unless, of course, you feel the need to be more of a brute; which has it’s place. Sometimes, you do need to say no. I believe that fully. However, what you feel you need to say no to, and what I think I should say no to are probably two totally different things. I guess a lot of people are just more uptight about things I’m not. I always try to ‘look at the big picture’ before getting mad at someone for something small. Cliche advice, but good advice.

Thanks for reading

Luca DeJesu, 2:58 PM

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