I haven’t posted in a few days again, but I have a somewhat valid reason for that this time around. I’ve been down for the past few weeks, and every time I’ve tried to think about a post topic the last few days, I kept thinking about negative stuff. And, that’s not to say I will never publish a negative piece of writing, because there are bad things in life. There are off days. Not every day can be a good one, unfortunately, even though you can technically make any day a worth while one. Anyways.
So the basic, ground-level reason that I’ve kinda felt down is just simply because I haven’t felt like myself. I feel so out of the loop, and the more I think about that idea, the more I realize how long it’s really been since I have felt like myself. I’ve been becoming comfortable lately, and that causes settling, and settling causes this purgatory of bleh.
It’s hard to explain, but I have kinda got bored lately. And, I haven’t done a lot of what I should be doing. I go back to class next week, and I just signed up for classes yesterday. I have filled out one college application. I really just need to get it back, whatever it is.
You ever have those days, where you just look back, reflect, and actually feel dissatisfied? I know you do. Everyone does. I keep doing the same things, I continually renew the same old habits that I’ve meant to break, I keep stepping backwards occasionally. For example, I continue to talk to people that I shouldn’t. I message them, knowing that it will never go the way I think it should. I keep putting effort in the wrong places, essentially. This has been an issue of mine for years, and I have really just gotten fed up with it at this point. After all, as someone once said, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting a different outcome. So, does that mean I’m insane? I’d hope not.
I mean, everyone does this. Everyone is naive at a point, they make constant effort towards a goal/person/idea that they know from past experience won’t make a difference. It’s just that you hope it will, so you keep trying it. You keep hitting that metaphorical refresh button. It becomes a problem though, in my eyes, when it goes unnoticed. When I stop trying to change something/actively work on it is when I get frustrated with myself. It’s what causes this discord that I’ve been having the past few weeks; I’m not being an advocate for bettering myself.
It’s kinda scary, too, when you’ve tried things, they don’t work, and then you kinda just stop. Forward momentum is an idea that has always been a key to me, and when it’s is halted it gets to me. It makes me believe I’m not worth my time, and then I get kinda down. So, I’m working on it again. I’m trying to cut habits, for once and for all. The past two days have really been steps in the right direction.
I guess these transient periods of being in a rut are a part of it all. A part of life, to put it plainly. Gotta get through them. I just don’t wanna simple get through it, I wanna get better from it. I wanna get it back, and I am.
Thanks for reading
Luca DeJesu, 3:48 PM